Wife Swap: Cullen vs Clyne
by xocullen4everxo
Summary: Emmett decides to sign up Esme for Wife Swap. What will happen when she switches places with a woman from Oregon? Will the Cullens like their new mommy?
1. Filling Out the Application

**AN: ****Suspended disbelief is needed. In 'reality' the Cullens would not be able to go on the show until they were sure that everyone from Forks who would recognize them was dead. By then Nessie would have matured and married Jake but that is not as much fun so…In my story, right after the end of Breaking Dawn the Cullens decide it's best to move and head cross country to Buffalo, New York. There they start life over again as teenagers in high school except for Nessie who is still little (looks about 8 years old) and stays home with Esme.**

Emmett's POV

I have the most brilliant idea in the history of brilliant ideas. We are going to sign up for Wife Swap! Carlisle and Esme were out hunting so now was the perfect time.

"I already printed the application and the others are coming." Alice said, appearing at my side.

"Cool." This is going to be awesome.

"What is it Alice? Is it really that important that you had to--what? Wife Swap are you crazy?!" Edward said as he came down the stairs with Bella, buttoning his shirt.

"What about Wife Swap?" Jasper asked.

"We are signing Esme up for Wife Swap!" I announced to all of them.

"Emmett you idiot, if you sign Esme up you sign all of us up." Rose replied while flipping through the latest fashion magazine. Well that wasn't the response I was expecting.

"What were you expecting Emmett?" Edward asked, stupid mind reader, "You didn't really think we were going to like this idea did you?"

"I think it would be a funny and I already checked and everything will be perfectly fine…for us anyway." Yeah Alice!

"Fine." Edward actually agreed which means that Bella and Nessie are in which means that Jake is in! This is so exciting.

"So Jazz, Rosie, what do you think?"

"I guess this could be interesting and if Alice says everything will be fine then I guess I'm in." Jasper said.

"Come on Rose, you're going to cave eventually." My new physic best friend Alice said.

"Fine, but if we get in trouble I am blaming you."

"I accept, now let's get started!" We crowded around the dining room table and began to answer the questions.

Wife Swap Application

**Family Name:** Cullen

**Father's Name and Age:** Carlisle, 3--

"Emmett you can't say that he is over three hundred years old!"

"Calm down Edward, I was going to put 30. I'm not that much of an idiot." He overreacts so much.

"That is debatable." commented Jasper. Rude!

**Mother's Name and Age:** Esme, 26

**Maiden Name:** Platt

**Names and ages of children from this marriage:**

Emmett, 18

Rosalie, 18

Jasper, 18

Alice, 17

Isabella, 17

Renesmee, 8

"Emmett, I am a part of the family." yelled Edward, taking the pen from me and writing his name.

Edward, 17

"And what about my Jakey?" asked cute little Nessie.

"Yeah, what about me?" asked the not at all cute and not little in any way Jake.

"Fine. You ruin all the fun."

Jacob, 20

"Emmett, you are never filling anything out again." said Bella.

**How long have you been together?**

Years

"You can't just put 'years' they want how many stupid."

"Ok, I'll just write down over 100 then and see if that makes them suspicious." Am I the only one with a brain?

"Just say like 8 or something." Rosalie suggested.

**Who takes care of the following responsibilities in your family:**

"Uh, this is so hard."

**Childcare?** Esme

**Shopping?**

"Oh put me!" yelled Alice, while jumping up and down. "Please, please, please, please, please…."

"Fine Alice just shut-up!"

**Cleaning?** Esme

**Cooking?** Esme

**Money?** Carlisle

**Planning social life?**

This is getting ridiculous. "What the hell is planning social life?"

"How am I supposed to know?" said a frustrated Jasper, "Just put Esme."

**Kid's homework?**

"Don't kids do their own homework?"

**Do you have any pets? How many? What type? Do they have free reign of the house?**

One dog and he unfortunately believes he has free reign of the house.

"Rosalie we don't have--Rose!" yelled Bella. "Jake is not our pet."

"Watch it Blondie." threatened Jacob.

**How would you describe your diet? What restrictions are there, if any?**

Vegetarian

"It's technically the truth." decided Alice.

"Woah, I'm not being a vegetarian for two weeks." announced Jake.

"I would say a restriction is not to eat a human." Jasper commented.

"Great, so they will think we are cannibals." muttered Edward.

"Maybe we should leave that out." said Bella.

**What pushes your buttons?**

"I got this one."

When my children break/damage things in the house

**Have you ever or are you currently serving in the Military?**

"Oh, can I be in the military?" I asked "Please, please, please…"

"No." answered Edward. Come one that worked for Alice.

"Why would you want to be in the military?" asked Bella.

"Why not?" was my answer.

**Do you or any members of your family have a physical or mental disability?**

I could have fun with this one.

"Don't even Emmett." Come on Edward!

**Have you or any family member been treated for alcohol or drug abuse?**

Another good one. "Can I please…"

"No!"

**Have you or any member of your family ever been accused or convicted of a felony?**

"Maybe we should skip this question." said Jasper.

**Have you or any member of your family ever been detain, been arrested or been in jail for any reason?**

"Skip this one too."

**AN: Thanks so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed it. Please review and tell me what you think. More coming soon I promise.**


	2. The Video

**AN: Thank you guys so much for reviewing, I'm glad you like it. So I have the next chapter ready already which is unusual but I decided to post it since people seemed to like the first chapter. They are a little short now but once the swap happens I promise they will be longer. Enjoy.**

_(1 month later)_

Carlisle's POV

I entered the long driveway, headed home after a long day at the hospital. Even as a vampire, working all day can tire you out. I pulled up to the mailbox knowing that, even at this late hour, my mail would still be in there. We never got lots of mail, only the occasional bill or Alice's magazines, so my children never felt the need to bring it in. As usual there were five magazines for Alice, an electric bill and a letter from the hospital. To my surprise though there was another envelope…from Wife Swap?!

Bella's POV

I was sitting with my family in the living room playing with Renesmee's hair and listening to Edward play the piano when we heard Carlisle's car turn into the driveway. Suddenly the music stopped and Edward said, "It came."

"Can someone please explain this to me?" Carlisle asked, waving an envelope around.

"What is it dear?" Esme asked coming into the room.

"Why don't you ask Emmett." Edward mumbled under his breath.

"It is a letter from the producers of Wife Swap saying that they loved the video we submitted and would love to have us on the show."

"You made a video? How did you make a video?" Edward asked.

"Yeah, it's awesome. Wanna see it?" Emmett asked all excited.

"It may be beneficial to know what kind of situation you put us in." Carlisle replied as he sat down in a chair.

"Family movie night!" Emmett yelled as he ran up the stairs to get the DVD.

Carlisle's POV

Emmett put the DVD in the machine and took a seat next to Rose.

A picture of our house came onto the screen. We were then led into the house and up the stairs into my office. The camera peeked through the ajar door to reveal me working at my desk.

_"That's me, Dr. Carlisle Cullen."_ said a voice which sounded very similar to mine.

"Emmett…" He was pretending to be me.

"Shh"

'My' voice continued, _"I work at the local hospital and am very dedicated to my work. "_

_"I've been happily married to my wife Esme,"_ now Esme was on the screen, working in her garden, _"for many years now. Together we adopted eight children: Edward, Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, Jasper, Bella, Renesmee, and Jacob." _

_"Renesmee, eight, is the youngest of our children."_ A laughing Ness baking cookies with Esme and Jake appeared on the TV. _"She is especially close with our newest addition Jake."_

A picture appeared of Alice in her massive closet unloading bags of new clothes.

"Dude, that's all I get?" exclaimed Jake.

"Be grateful." replied Edward. Oh great, what was coming?

_"Alice is a junior in high school and a shopping addict."_

"Emmett!" shrieked Alice, "I am not a shopping addict."

_"She is also dating Jasper. Jasper is a senior who has some emotional issues and control problems." _

"Really Emmett?" said Jasper.

"You know Jazzy can't help it. It's not his fault." Alice said defending him.

_"My other daughter Rosalie, Jasper's twin and a senior in high school, is in a serious relationship with my stud of a son, Emmett. When she's not busy with Emmett she enjoys working on cars."_

"Stud of a son? When would I ever say that Emmett?" I asked.

"You don't, but you should. Everyone be quiet, this is one of the best parts."

_"My youngest son Edward is a masochist and currently in a heated relationship with an equally troubled Bella."_ A scene of Edward and Bella making out in their room came onto the screen. You have got to be kidding me. Onscreen Edward yelled, _"Emmett, what the hell are you doing, get out."_ and slammed the door in his face.

"This is why you were filming us?" yelled Bella. "To send it out to Wife Swap?"

"Hey, just be grateful I cut it where I did." said Emmett. Oh great, this is exactly what I need, Emmett to have a sex tape of Bella and Edward.

_"Last but not least is my amazing son Emmett. He is just amazing."_ Emmett cut to a clip of him showing off his muscles.

_"That's everyone. Now I have to get back to the hospital to same some lives. Peace."_ And with that the film was over. Peace? Why would he say that, it doesn't even sound like me.

"So…what do you guys think?" Emmett timidly asked after it had been quiet for more than two minutes.

Esme was the first to break the silence, "Emmett what were you thinking?"

"Emmett I sounded like a complete idiot. Why would I end the video saying 'peace'? What does that even mean?" I asked.

"It's cool Carlisle."

"No it isn't."

"Did I ask you Eddie?"

"Don't call me that."

"What are we going to do?" Bella asked, "We all sound like crazy people."

"I sounded fine." commented Rosalie.

"Emmett, we don't have problems."

"Yes you do." commented Rosalie again.

Soon enough all of my children had started arguing amongst themselves except for Renesmee who sat on the floor with a bowl of popcorn watching.

"Children, enough." Esme yelled over them. They all stopped arguing and turned toward her, "They are coming whether we like it or not so I guess we are going to have to make the best of it." Everyone turned and glared at Emmett who looked around and said, "So, um, anyone want to watch the unrated version?"

**AN: Hope you enjoyed it. Review please and another chapter will come shortly.**

**PS. feel free to check out my other story Emmett Causes Trouble**


	3. Goodbyes

**AN: Sorry this chapter is so short but there wasn't really much that needed to be said right now. Enjoy!**

Esme's POV

The day of the swap had finally come. I would be going to Oregon for two weeks and leaving my family in the hands of a woman named Cathy Clyne. I have to admit I am a little nervous but Alice said everything will be fine and I trust her. Speaking of Alice, here she comes. She eagerly volunteered to pack my suitcase for me and even though I resisted she persisted until I finally gave in.

"Esme, we have your bags ready for you." We? Oh, no.

"Alice honey, how many bags did you pack me?"

"Only seven." Only seven? Just then Jasper appeared with three more bags that matched the two Alice had already brought down.

"Don't worry I have prepared you for anything. The forecast looks good but you never know so I packed you everything and anything you could ever--" Alice stopped midsentence as she had a vision. As soon as it had come, it was gone and a scowl was left on Alice's face.

"Emmett don't you dare!" Alice shrieked the same time that Emmett yelled "Bombs away!" and threw the luggage over the railing. I assume he was aiming for it to hit the front door but he missed and sent it flying through my window…again.

"Uh, I missed again."

"Emmett!" Alice yelled as she ran outside to get the suitcase, "This had all of her shoes in it." That? That enormous suitcase that was practically the size of Alice had just my shoes in it? Alice had gone way overboard this time.

"Emmett, usually I would be more upset but right now I have a plane to catch so I will deal with this later. Clean up the glass for me please and I'll fix the window when I get back." I told him, starting to hug everyone goodbye.

"We're alright people, nothing was--ahh! Not the Gucci heels, Emmett how could you?!" Alice sobbed as she came back into the house dragging the suitcase behind her and holding out a broken heel in her hand. "Those were brand new, not even in the store yet, Gucci heels from Italy and now they're ruined, gone, never to be--"

"Alice, we bought a spare pair remember?" Rosalie said as she came back with another box of Gucci heels.

"Oh yeah!" Alice immediately dropped the crying bit when she saw the shoes and skipped over to get the box from Rosalie. "Here you go Esme, crisis averted."

"I don't think losing one pair of shoes is considered a crisis."

"Shut up, Edward."

"Children, the cameras will be here any minute so please behave while I'm gone or you will regret it when I get back." I warned them as we made our way outside to where the limo had pulled up. They squeezed my seven bags into the trunk, I said my last goodbyes to my family and I was off.

Cathy's POV

I was very much regretting my choice to go on Wife Swap. My family had convinced me at the time that it would be a fun experiment and I would also be able to help out a family but now I'm not so sure. As I looked at my family standing before me, I realized how much I was going to miss them.

"Ok, now I want you to be on your best behavior for your new mother. Be polite and don't give her too much trouble. Remember to clean your rooms everyday and do your homework and don't watch too much tv…"I started rambling all of the things I had taught my children since they were little.

"Don't worry mom, we'll be fine, we can handle it." said my daughter, Ashley.

"Yeah mom," my son Adam agreed, "we can take whatever she throws at us because we Clynes stay committed."

"That's my boy." said my husband Bob, "Now say goodbye to your mom and go clean out the fish tank."

I gave each of my children a hug and a kiss before they ran off to take care of their chores.

"Don't worry," my husband said as I got into the limo," I'll make sure the house is still standing when you get back. I love you, have fun, make a difference, stay committed." And with that I was off into the unknown.

**AN: Hope you enjoyed this short chapter. I promise more to come. Please review and tell me what you think.**


	4. The Handbooks

**AN: I said I wanted to give you a longer chapter and here it is. Enjoy!**

The Handbooks Esme's POV

The limo pulled up in front of an average sized house in Oregon. This place reminds me so much of our house in Forks. I can't wait until we move back there one day. I turned the key and entered an extremely neat looking house. After quickly looking around the house I sat down to read the handbook. It was rather thick.

_Here at the Clyne household order is very important. Without order there is chaos and nothing gets accomplished with chaos. We are all very busy so we keep exact schedules of our day, which can be found on the refrigerator. I am a very busy woman so I don't waste any time. I wake up at six o'clock sharp every morning, make breakfast for the family, and lunch for the children. After the children are gone and the kitchen is clean, I take inventory of everything in the pantry and frig to see what has to be bought at the store. Then I clean the house except for the children's rooms. They are to do their own when they get home from school. Everyday my schedule changes depending on what has to be done. I always pick Adam up from school at six o'clock and then pick Ashley up from either dance or cheerleading depending on the day. If Ashley has dance she needs to be driven there from school. (For details see schedule.) After the children get home they should immediately start their homework while I start dinner. They must have a well balanced meal and no junk food is allowed in the house. My husband, Bob, is a lawyer. He brings the children to school before going to work and comes home before six, in time for dinner. We eat dinner as a family every night. I have two children. My son, Adam, is a senior at Clements Preparatory Academy. He is an active member of ten clubs , all of which can be found on his schedule, and attends football practice everyday after school. My daughter, Ashley, is a sophomore at Clements Preparatory Academy. She is also an active member in many clubs and head of the cheerleading squad. She attends practice every other day and on the other days she attends dance class. Adam and Ashley must finish all of their homework before they go to bed, which should be promptly at ten o'clock, eleven on the weekends. There is also no TV or telephone use allowed during the week unless it is for educational purposes. The children are responsible for cleaning their rooms everyday; you should make sure there is no dust by using a wipe. The children are also in charge of their fish. They must feed them everyday and clean the tank once a week. If one of the children misbehaves they will punished. Some of the usual punishments are cell phones taken away, door is taken off the hinges, or no TV. Our family motto is 'Clynes are committed' and we live by it everyday. _

"Well this family is sure to be a handful." I said to the camera, realizing I hadn't said a thing as I read through it. "She leaves the children no time to be children because their schedules are packed so tight. I really hope I can help them loosen up on some rules and have fun." Just then I heard tires coming up the driveway.

Cathy's POV

After driving for what felt like an hour the limo turned onto an unmarked road, leading further away from town. He was lost. We had been driving forever, I'm pretty sure we're not even in Buffalo anymore and he just turned down a dirt road surrounded by trees. I don't see another house for mi--Oh my goodness, that was their driveway?! The limo had just pulled up in front of the biggest house I have ever seen. It had to be at least three stories high and had what looked like an eight car garage attached. I momentarily stopped staring to walk up the stairs to the front door where I noticed there was a broken window.

"Either someone broke in or they neglect their house." I told the camera as I put the key in the lock and opened the door. I stepped into the most beautiful house I have ever seen. The rooms where open and bright with their light colors and high ceilings, not to mention the floor to ceiling windows that made up an entire wall in the living room. I walked through the house taking in the expense furnishings which included a grand piano, the biggest tv I have ever seen, and art that was most likely originals.

"I don't even know how to use half of these things," I said as I took in all the fancy gadgets they had in their kitchen, that was probably two times larger than my own.

"Oh my goodness." I was in a state of shock as I opened the door to what had to be the biggest and most high-tech garage I have ever seen. There were a bunch of motorcycles along with a red convertible BMW, a Jeep, a Ferrari, a yellow Porsche, some kind of Mercedes, and, are you kidding me, an Aston Martin. "The husband apparently wastes money collecting cars."

I then made my way up the stairs onto the second floor where I came to a closed door with a sign saying, _"Keep out! This means you Edward." _

" Probably another brother's room," I thought aloud as I opened the door and entered a room decorated in red. "Or a sister's," I said as I took in the lacy pillows and large vanity. I moved next door into a room painted in a soft yellow. "Another girl," I guessed, seeing that once again there was a large vanity covered with hair and makeup supplies. "Definitely a teenager."

Also on this floor was what looked to be a spare room, that I assumed would be mine, the master bedroom, and an office. When I thought I had seen all of this large house the cameraman pointed me toward another staircase. They had a third floor?! "A third floor?"

I climbed the stairs to find three more doors, the first of which was a little girls room. "Rather advanced reading choices," I commented as I looked at the bookshelf. Wuthering Heights, Jane Eyre, Romeo and Juliet, I hadn't read any of these books till high school.

"Ah!" I screamed as I walked into the next bedroom. "Does he ever clean in here?" The bed was not made and there were clothes all over the floor. Wait, is that a bagel? "This is disgusting, let's move onto the next room."

Behind the last door was a room that could rival that of the master bedroom, not that any of them really couldn't, the only thing that made it seem a teenagers was the impressive collection of music on the wall. "This is an impressive collection but they obviously wasted lots of money on it. There is no need for this many CDs and no one even uses records anymore."

"These children seem to be spoiled." I said as I came back down the stairs, "There is no reason that teenagers need their own bathrooms, king sized beds and walk in closets."

I sat down in the kitchen and opened the handbook:

_Here in the Cullen household we believe that the children should be allowed independence and freedom. It is good to let them make mistakes as long as they can learn from them. They are all very mature for their age even if they don't show it sometimes. We have a total of eight children, all of them adopted_. "Eight children! These people are crazy."

_Our oldest daughter, Rosalie ,is eighteen years old. She is a senior at the high school along with her brothers and sisters and enjoys shopping and working on cars in her spare time. _"Children should not have spare time, they will only get into trouble." _She is very loving but tends to hide it behind sarcastic comments. For your sanity, keep her away from Jacob. She is also in a serious relationship with her adopted brother Emmett. _"They allow their children to date? That is inappropriate."

_Emmett is also eighteen and a senior. He can be a troublemaker and a joker so watch out for any pranks he might pull with Jasper. (Their favorite target is Edward.) He is also known for making inappropriate comments._

_Jasper is also eighteen and a senior and while he enjoys pulling practical jokes with Emmett he is can also be very quiet because of his emotional problems. Jasper is Rosalie's twin brother._ "Well at least they're not dating each other."

_Alice is seventeen and a bit of a shopaholic. She, along with Edward and Isabella, is a junior. She is also dating Jasper. _"Another couple in this family?"

_Our youngest son, Edward, is seventeen years old. His favorite pastime, besides his girlfriend Bella, is his piano_. "At least this child seems to be on the right track. He is interested in music and has a girlfriend not related to him."

_Isabella, who is seventeen years old, prefers to be called Bella. _"I spoke to soon. Let me guess, this is Edward's girlfriend Bella." _Also new to the family, she has formed a close bond with Renesmee and is in a relationship with Edward._

_Our youngest, Renesmee, _"What kind of name is Renesmee?" _is the biological niece of Edward. She is eight years old and homeschooled by myself. She is incredibly bright for her age and has formed a close bond with our newest son, Jacob. Jacob is twenty years old and helps look after Renesmee when he is not fooling around with Emmett or cracking jokes at Rosalie. _"That's it? That's all this kid does? He should be at college or get a job, not hang around the house all day."

_They are good children but if you anger them they will turn on you._ "How can they be good children if they turn on their own mother?"

_My husband, Carlisle, is a doctor at the hospital. He usually works from early in the morning until late at night and when he is home he can usually be found in his office. _" Well that is why these kids are so messed up, their father is never around."

_As for me, I spend my day homeschooling Renesmee or working in my garden. I also clean the house and prepare any meals necessary. It is not unusual, with our family's busy schedule, that everyone does not eat meals together. Also our whole family, excluding Renesmee and Jake, are vegetarians. _"Vegetarian? There is no way they are getting enough protein. Diet will be one of the many rules I have to change."

"Well then, I guess it's time to meet this interesting family."

**AN: Hope you enjoyed it. Sorry Esme's POV was kinda short but the Cullen house is so much more interesting right? Review please and tell me what you think/what I should add.**


	5. Meeting The Family

**AN: Thanks so much to everyone that has been reviewing. I wrote this chapter this morning and decided to post it because everyone was saying that they wanted more. Sorry if this chapter isn't the best but it's just the introductions so I can't make it too over the top. Enjoy!**

**Esme's POV**

The cameras followed me outside as I went to greet my new family. I have to admit I am a little nervous after reading the handbook Cathy left. I hope these people aren't too uptight. A middle aged man in a suit and tie got out of the minivan followed by two teenagers, Adam and Ashley. They both looked like J. Crew models , wearing polo shirts and khaki pants. I hope there was more variety to their wardrobe. Alice would not be happy.

"Hello," said their father, "you must be the new mom. I'm Bob and these are my children, Adam and Ashley."

"Hi" they both said. Well these children were obviously not wild like mine.

"Hello, I'm Esme Cullen. It's so nice to meet you. I hope we can enjoy our two weeks together."

"I'm sure we will. Shall we go inside and get better acquainted?"

Cathy's POV

I stepped outside, ready to meet this crazy family I would have to call my own for two weeks. That's when I saw a Mercedes pull up, of course they had another expensive car, and the most gorgeous man I have ever seen stepped out. He looked around, slammed the door and pulled out his cell phone. He just got here and already he's on his phone? I looked back over to the car where a handsome young man was helping a little girl out of the car. She was followed by another girl, just as beautiful with brown hair. The both of them ducked down to the little girl and talked to her in whispers while another, very tall, boy got out of the car. He, unlike the others, had darker hair and skin and was easily over six feet tall. The bronze haired boy whispered something to the tall one, who picked up the little girl, before going over to who, I assumed, must be their father even though he looked far too young to be the father of teenagers.

"Rosalie, where are you?" he asked into the phone.

"We got lost Carlisle." shouted a deep voice so loud that I was able to hear it on the other end of the phone.

"You got lost going to your own house?" asked the bronze haired boy skeptically.

"Rosalie Hale, you promised you were going to meet us back at the house where are you?" the father asked, a little more forceful.

There was a response on the other end that I couldn't hear followed by their father saying, "Get home. Now." before hanging up the phone.

"I told you we shouldn't have let her drive, Edward."

"What was I supposed to do? She was--" he stopped looked at me and the cameras then finished, "playing mind games with me. What was I supposed to do tackle her in the middle of the parking lot." Oh my goodness, boys should not be tackling anyone especially their sisters.

"I would have enjoyed that." shouted the tall boy who was still with the little girl and the brown haired girl over by the car.

Just then a silver Volvo pulled up and a short girl, that could only be described as pixie-like, got out and skipped to the back of the car.

"Jazz, help me please." she said as she opened the trunk. A tall boy with blonde hair, who I assumed was 'Jazz', started pulling shopping bags out of the trunk when a girl with similar blonde hair joined them. The last one to exit the vehicle was a boy so big he had to be on the football team. Instead of going to the trunk like the others he made his way to the bronze haired boy, threw the keys at him and said, "Thanks Eddie for letting us borrowing your car."

"Borrow means that I gave you permission. You high jacked it when we stopped at the gas station." These children sound like criminals and I haven't even met them yet.

"Children, please we have company." said their father. "Hello my name is Dr. Carlisle Cullen. I am sorry for our behavior but we had a little mix up at the gas station."

"No worries," I said faking nice for the camera, we would have a serious talk later. "I'm Cathy Clyne, the swapped mom."

"It's very nice to meet you Cathy. I hope you enjoy your stay with us." said the beautiful doctor. "Children introduce yourselves."

The small dark haired girl was brave enough to go first, "Hi I'm Alice!" Oh, she was the shopaholic. Makes sense, there must be at least a dozen bags in the trunk.

I thought I heard the bronze haired boy snort but when I turned to him he was talking to the little girl.

"Hello, my name is Edward," he said, "and this is Renesmee." The little girl waved at me from Edward's side.

"I'm Bella," said the brown haired girl who was holding Renesmee's hand.

"Jake," said the tall, darker skinned boy.

"Hi ma'am," drawled the blonde haired boy in a southern accent. "my name's Jasper."

"Rose," the blonde girl said coldly.

"And I'm Emmett!" said the brawny boy with as much enthusiasm as the small one…Alice was her name?

"Nice to meet you all," I said when on the inside I was thinking, 'oh my goodness, what have I gotten myself into.'

**AN: Thanks so much for reading I promise to add another chapter shortly. Please review and tell me what you think or what should be in the story. (I can always use ideas for the Clynes because their sections are short and boring :)) Also feel free to review my other story 'Emmett Causes Trouble' which is a oneshot retold from four different POVs about a little incident involving Bella, a towel and Newton!**


	6. First Night With The Cullens

**AN: Since I haven't updated in awhile I decided to post this chapter. It is kind of an awkward bonus chapter because it takes place after the introductions but before the first day. It was supposed to be part of another chapter but didn't really fit and I liked it too much to totally delete it. Hope you like it and the next chapter will hopefully be up soon.**

Cathy's POV

The cameras had left for the day after introductions since the first day of the swap hadn't officially begun yet. Now it was time to talk to the Cullens about that little incident that happened earlier.

"Um everyone, I was wondering if we could talk about what happened today."

Everyone looked at me like I was crazy before Carlisle said, "Yes, I believe that is a good idea."

There were various moans and complaints but everyone did as they were told and sat down.

"Now," I said, taking control since no one else was apparently going to start, "what exactly happened?"

Silence. No one said anything when finally Carlisle said, "From what I know it seems as if Rosalie stole Edward's car so that they could go to the mall. Am I correct in believing that's what happened?"

"Why did you have to steal his car?" I asked, "Don't you have your own, there are so many others in the garage."

"Because Carlisle said we were only allowed to take two cars and Edward, being the control freak that he is, insisted he drive. I emptied Carlisle's tank so that he would have to stop at the gas station and then I borrowed Edward's car so that we could go to the mall." Rosalie said as if it was no big deal.

"You didn't borrow it!" Edward yelled, "You tricked me by using my own--" he faltered for a second before saying, "niece against me."

"Shh, Edward calm down," Bella said, trying to sooth him.

"Rosalie, why didn't you just ask Carlisle if you could go to the mall?"

"Because he said that we were supposed to come straight home."

"Do you always disrespect your parents this way?"

"Yup." she said popping the 'p' at the end.

"Well not once rule change comes you won't."

"Can't wait." she huffed, still leafing through a magazine.

"Rosalie…" Carlisle warned but didn't take it any further.

Seeing as this conversation was going nowhere I said, "Well then, should I start dinner? I assume Esme does the cooking."

"Actually, we uh, ate while we were out." said Edward.

"That was awhile ago. None of you are hungry?" I asked in disbelief. Adam was always hungry; there was no way that all these teenager boys weren't.

"I'm hungry," Jacob said as he got up from his seat on the floor, "but I usually just grab whatever. Ness, want to help me?" he asked as he made his way to the kitchen.

"Yeah!" the little girl jumped up from Edward's lap and followed him into the kitchen.

"Well, I guess if no one's hungry I'll just go make something for myself." Still no one moved. Fine then, they can go hungry, I thought as I went into the kitchen to find something to eat.

It was eleven thirty at night and the kids were still up. This is ridiculous, it's a school night. I walked into the living room to find Emmett and Jasper where I had left them three hours ago, playing Xbox. Jacob had joined them after Renesmee had gone to bed and it looked like they had started some intense Guitar Hero tournament. Rosalie and Alice had fashion magazines scattered all around them in a circle pointing out the latest fashion hits and misses. Carlisle sat in a chair reading a thick book while Edward and Bella were nowhere to be found.

"Carlisle," I said as he looked up from his book, "what time do the children usually go to bed?"

Everyone's head shot up from what they were doing to stare at Carlisle who looked flustered before saying, "Um, the children usually go to bed whenever they feel like it."

Unbelievable, no parenting skills at all. "But it's a school night."

"Yes, well, I guess it is getting rather late. Children, why don't you head upstairs and get ready for bed."

"Edward!" I heard Bella shriek followed by a loud thud from upstairs. Emmett started rolling on the floor laughing, soon followed by Jacob, while everyone else was trying to hold theirs in. Carlisle, on the other hand, was stiff in his chair, eyes wide.

"What was that? Was that Bella who screamed?"

"Edward's just uh, rearranging the furniture." said Emmett trying to stifle laughter.

Why were they all laughing if he was just moving furniture? Why was he moving furniture? "Oh uh, does he do it often?"

Another round of laughter followed my question before he answered, "Yes, quite often. Almost every night." He stopped talking when Rosalie elbowed him in the ribs.

"Then why did Bella scream?" If he's only moving furniture there is no need to get so upset.

"She doesn't always agree with the way Edward does things." Emmett said, before going into another laughing fit.

"Emmett, that's enough. Children I think it's time you all went to bed."

**AN: Thanks so much to everyone who reads this especially those of you that review. So continue to review and tell me what you think. Suggestions are always welcome! (I need ideas for Esme and the Clynes)**

**PS Sorry but I forgot to add that I added a poll to my profile page: Should I only write in the mom (Esme and Cathy) POV or add kids (Alice Emmett etc.) as well?**


	7. Wake Up Call

**AN: Thanks so much to everyone who likes my story. I'm really glad that so many of you liked the moving furniture comment last chapter because it's one of my favorites and sorry some of you didn't understand it but let's just say Emmett was trying to help out. ;) Here is the next chapter about the first day of the swap. Enjoy!**

Esme's POV

Today was the first official day of the swap and I would have to live like the Clynes. I was up bright and early, since I don't sleep, and started making breakfast for the family. Lucky for me I did some cooking back home with Bella so this shouldn't be too hard. The hard part will be pretending to eat the food since the Clynes apparently eat breakfast and dinner together every day. That's about twenty-eight meals to make disappear. I had a feeling, with the cameras around, I was going to have to choke them all down.

I had just finished making the kids' lunches, which were extremely balanced and healthy, when Adam and Ashley came down all dressed and ready for school. I have to say I'm surprised, I thought I was going to have to wake them up. It takes longer to get my kids out of bed and they don't even sleep.

"Good morning Esme." They both said as they sat down at the table.

"Good morning kids. Are you always ready this early?"

"Oh yes, mom likes us to have breakfast together as a family." said Ashley

"But we have to leave for school by seven." added Adam

"Good morning everyone." said Bob as he made his way to the refrigerator, grabbed the schedules, and joined us at the table. He passed a schedule to each person and they began to read intently. I decided it would be best to follow suit. I looked down at the schedule to find an array of colors and numbers that would make even my mind confused.

"Ok," Bob said, still looking at the schedule, "Adam, today you have student council after school and then football practice. Ashley, you also have student council and then cheerleading practice. Esme, since you are supposed to follow our lifestyle for this week you have to go to the supermarket, gym and then to the library where you will read to little children before picking up the children and starting dinner. I have a seminar all day but I will be home in time for dinner. If there are not any questions we have to get going." The children had barely finished their breakfast before they were rushed to the car by their father.

"Bye Esme." Ashley called as they pulled out of the driveway.

"This family is always on the go," I told the camera, "they need to calm down so that they can have some fun."

After cleaning up breakfast I sat down to look over the schedule again. Glancing down at the neat schedule that would never work for my family I couldn't keep my thoughts from wandering back to them.

I wonder how the children are doing…or should I say, how is Cathy doing…

Alice's POV

This is a brilliant plan! We are going to start this show off with a BANG! I had a vision of it last night and that is why I called the super secret meeting in the closet at two am.

_Flashback_

_After Jake and Renesmee were asleep we all snuck into my closet to have a super secret meeting. This meeting was supposed to be about creating a plan to take down Cathy but apparently Emmett had other things on his mind..._

_"Wait, so you had a vision of you having a vision that made Edward drop Bella?" Emmett asked before going into another laughing fit._

_"Yup! And I can't believe it actually happened. Really Edward, you need to calm down."_

_"What was the vision?"_

_"Cathy was going to walk in on them but I'm not sure when…I didn't think it was tonight…it will probably never happen because that woman seems to be as dumb a post."_

_We all laughed, thinking about earlier that night when she bought Emmett's 'moving furniture' story._

_"Ok, now back to bus--"_

_"Edward, how do you even drop her…" Emmett laughed, cutting me off._

_"I didn't drop her, necessarily…"_

_"Yes, you dropped me. You dropped me and started rearranging the furniture like a crazy person." Bella said while glaring at Edward._

_"I'm sorry but I thought that she was actually coming upstairs and--"_

_"Enough!!" I whisper-shrieked so Carlisle and Cathy wouldn't hear us, "it is over. Let it go."_

_"Now, back to the plan," Rosalie said, getting annoyed that this wasn't going anywhere, "I say we start phase 1 tomorrow…"_

Cathy's POV

This is absolute chaos! It is only eight o'clock and already there is chaos everywhere. Apparently the Cullens are early risers, which I thought was a good thing, because they all woke up at five o'clock in the morning, until they decided to wake the house up by blasting some of that punk music.

_Flashback_

_"It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back _

_It's like a whirlwind inside of my head _

_It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within _

_It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin"_

_Ah! What is that noise? Is that music? It's five in the morning! I left my room to find the Cullen children in the hallway, all dressed and ready to begin their day._

_"What is going on out here? It's five o'clock." _

_"Time to get up!" Emmett yelled, cupping his hands around his mouth, like he was at some kind of pep rally._

_"Emmett you idiot, Renesmee was still sleeping." said Edward as he came downstairs with Bella and a very tired Renesmee._

_"Emmett," yelled Jacob, coming down the stairs, "what are you doing? It's five o'clock in the morning!"_

_"I know, time to get up." Emmett said as he slapped Jacob on the back._

_"Where's your father?" Surely he would not approve of this._

_"He left for the hospital," said Emmett, 'said something about doing an early shift to get away from the chaos..." Well that shows you what kind of father he is..._

Now I cautiously walk into the living room, afraid of what I might find. Edward, Emmett, Jasper and Jacob are jumping around, intensely playing some kind of band battle videogame while screaming like savages. Rosalie and Renesmee, but mostly Renesmee because Rosalie is reading a magazine, are cheering them on as Bella and Alice have an argument about shopping. I decided that trying to stop the fight would be easier than trying to break four teenage boys away from an Xbox.

"Alice, I'm not going to the Palisades Center with you!" yelled Bella as I walked over to them.

"Why not," Alice yelled back, "don't you love me?"

"Alice it's over a six hour drive!"

"With my driving we can cut that time in half!"

"No!"

"Girls," I asked, "what seems to be the problem here?"

"Can't you hear," Emmett yelled, not looking away from the TV, "Alice wants to go shopping but Bella says no." There was laughter among the boys as Edward smacked Emmett upside the head.

"Come on, please Bella, it's the tenth largest mall in the United States. Tenth! There are over 300 stores for shopping opportunities!"

"Another reason not to go."

"Bella," Alice yelled dramatically while falling to her knees, "why do you hate me?"

"I don't hate you Alice, I hate shopping. Especially lots of it, which I know I will find if we go to Palisades!"

"Bella," Rosalie called, entering the argument for the first time, "I want to go so suck it up."

Bella let out an ear piercing scream as she stormed out of the room.

"We're still going!" yelled Alice after her.

Bella let out another shriek from upstairs.

"We're still going." Alice repeated, to me this time, before going over to sit by Rosalie.

Wait a minute…didn't these children have to go to school? Couldn't they harass people there?

"Shouldn't you children be in school?"

"No," Emmett started, "we uh, have a…"

"Teacher's convention." finished Alice.

"Oh, ok…but why didn't your father mention it before he left?"

"Because he doesn't think that we are all idiots. He believes that we are capable of taking care of ourselves." Rosalie said as she got up from the armchair and made her way up the stairs. The attitude on that girl is unbelievable.

"Noooooooo!" I turned my attention back to the boys where I found Emmett on his knees, his head in his hands.

"Edward you suck!" Emmett yelled as he smashed the plastic guitar into the floor, "I am breaking the band up." he yelled while stomping up the stairs. A lot of stomping up the stairs in this house.

"Emmett, that's the fifth guitar you've broken this month! I'm never playing with you again." Jasper yelled as he followed Emmett up the stairs.

"Oh come on guys, it's just a game!" Jacob yelled after them.

"Yes, I won." Edward laughed as he answered a question I had not heard Renesmee ask, "Why don't we go find Bella?"

Well, that was the last of them. They had all retreated upstairs and out of sight. This would be a lot harder than I thought…What had I gotten myself into?

Alice's POV

"You think it worked?" I asked Edward from the landing upstairs where we were all huddled watching the downstairs.

"Oh yeah, it worked alright."

**AN: I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter. It was a little difficult to form but I think it has some rather funny stuff in it. Thanks to everyone who reviews and please keep doing so! I always welcome your ideas and some that you submitted I already had down as ideas for later chapters! It's like you read my mind ;) I'll update soon. Let me know what you want to read about.**


	8. The First Week Of Hell

**AN: I'm so sorry I haven't updated in awhile but I've been so busy I haven't had the time. When I was finally ready to post it I accidently deleted it all and had to redo it. I think I have included all that was originally in it. Thanks for being so patient and enjoy!**

Esme's POV

This has been the most boring week of my existence. This family is so orderly and the kids do nothing wrong. I don't know what to do with myself. All week has been the same routine: get the kids ready for school, clean the house, pick the kids up/drop them somewhere, make dinner, repeat. Hopefully my rule changes will liven up this family.

Bob's POV

I am a little worried about rule changes. Esme has been wonderful but she always asks why the kids are so busy or why they don't have more fun. The kids have tons of fun, I mean we play Scrabble every Friday night and have chess tournaments on weekend afternoons. How can you have more fun than that?

Ashley POV

I am so excited for Esme's rule changes. Don't get me wrong, I love my life and my mom but Esme just seems to have a more carefree attitude. I think I could actually get a chance to live like a normal teenager like my friends.

Cathy's POV

These Cullens are killing me. I have only been here for a week but it has felt like a lifetime. Everyday something new and disastrous seems to happen. If I leave the room for a minute I come back to find someone fighting with someone else or another piece of furniture broken. First there was the whole 'teachers convention.' Well as it turns out there wasn't a teachers convention. I got a phone call that afternoon from the secretary asking why the Cullens weren't in school.

_(flashback) _Jasper's POV

We were all sitting in the living room when Alice had a vision. Edward put his head in his hands and moaned while Alice jumped up and frantically searched the room.

"Quick," she yelled shoving Emmett off the sofa and looking under the cushions, "find the phone. Where did we put it?"

"I don't know. Why?"

"Because the school is going to call and we can't have Cathy answer it." she said as she lifted up Ness, expecting her to be sitting on it.

Just then we heard the phone ring, distant in the kitchen.

"Uh, who left it in the kitchen?" Everyone turned to look at Emmett.

"Why does everyone always look at me?!"

"Because it usually is you." I told him.

"Great, she answered it." Alice said and we became quiet to hear what was being said. It sounded like it was the secretary which meant that we couldn't be in too much trouble…

"Hello, I am calling for the reason why Alice, Bella, Edward, Emmett, Jasper, and Rosalie are not in school today." Oh shit, why is she calling, we should be out sick. Unless...

"Emmett," Alice whispered, "you were supposed to call us in sick!"

"I forgot…"

"How can you forget it was your only job!" Edward yelled at him.

"No!" Emmett yelled back, " I also had to let you win Rock Band and then throw a fit so HA!"

I shook my head at Emmett's stupidity and turned my attention back to the conversation.

"What do you mean?" Cathy asked into the phone, "there is no school today because of a teachers convention."

"No, I'm sorry but we don't have one scheduled until next month."

"Really," Cathy said and I was getting these suspicious vibes from her, "well I'm sorry then that was my mistake. All of the children will be in school tomorrow."

Uh oh, this cannot be good. Why isn't she yelling at us? One thing's for sure, nothing good can come of this.

Cathy's POV

They know I know because as soon as the phone rang they became deadly silent, as if they were praying for it to stop. I decided not to say anything to them and let them sweat it out.

After the little skipping school incident Carlisle thought it best if the children stayed home for the week. Of course he escaped to the hospital everyday and didn't see the havoc his children wreaked once he was gone.

The very next day I was in the kitchen making lunch when I smelled something funny. Is that smoke? I looked out the window to find Alice dancing around the flames, throwing things into the fire.

"Alice! What are you doing?" I yelled as I ran up to her.

"Getting rid of your clothes." she replied happily as she continued to throw MY CLOTHES into the fire.

"Oh, I want to help!" Emmett yelled, abandoning his video game for the first time since I arrived. "Alice, why didn't you tell me we were having a bon fire?"

"Because," Alice said as she removed a pile of clothes from Emmett's hands, "I knew you would take my Paris originals and Rosalie's new Gucci and then we'd all be in trouble."

"What were you going to burn, Emmett?" Rosalie shrieked before she appeared in the doorway.

Any color that Emmett had immediately left his face as he stuttered to answer, "Uh…nothing of yours of course…just some ugly clothes that Alice does not approve of."

"That's what I thought," Rosalie smiled as she took the clothes from Alice, "come on Alice, let's hang these back up before they get ruined."

"Yeah, good idea." Emmett said as he continued to throw clothes into the flames, "You guys do that and I'll stay here and keep fueling this fire."

"Edward!" Alice yelled at the top of her lungs until her brother appeared in the doorway, looking slightly disheveled.

"What--" he stopped, looked at Alice, the fire, then Emmett dancing around it before bringing his gaze back to Alice. "No."

"Please Edward. I need you to watch Emmett and make sure he doesn't hurt himself while Rose and I go put our clothes back."

"Alice, I was kind of busy…"

"Emmett, what did you do?" Bella asked, looking just as disheveled as she came up beside Edward, taking in the fire that was raging in the backyard.

"How come whenever there is a fire in our backyard or in our house or in Edward's bedroom everyone always points their finger at me?" Emmett yelled, stamping his foot like a little child.

"Because it usually is your fault." Edward replied, apparently still bitter about some fire that was in his bedroom.

"Well, sometimes….but this time it isn't. Alice started this fire to get rid of ugly clothes." Emmett stated triumphantly.

"Fine, me and Bella will watch him…but you better make this quick."

"Yeah, yeah." Rosalie said with a wave of her hand as she walked inside.

"Thanks Edward." Alice said with a laugh as followed in Rosalie's wake.

"Do you know why she is burning my clothes?" I asked Edward and Bella as they lay down on a chair, looking as if they were tanning poolside.

"Probably because she didn't like them." Edward said, never taking his eyes off of Bella's head, resting on his chest.

"Don't feel bad," Bella said to me with a smile, "she did it to me when I first moved in too."

Well as I found out soon enough, when Bella said 'moved in' she meant into Edward's bedroom. All of the Cullens share a bedroom, Alice with Jasper, Rosalie with Emmett, and Bella with Edward, except for Jacob and Renesmee. And apparently Bella and Edward do more than just share the room. The other day I went up to their room with clean laundry to find them having sex.

_(flashback) _Bella's POV

Today was the last day before rule change and Emmett decided we should 'go out with a bang' but I wasn't so sure about this.

We were huddled in Alice's closet thinking what our next plan should be when Emmett said, "I think she should catch Eddie and Bella together."

There was a mixed response from "Are you crazy?!" to "That would be awesome!"

"Carlisle will kill us!" I said.

"Like he doesn't want to already?!" Emmett was right. Even though all week Carlisle didn't comment on his children's behavior we could tell he was disappointed with us. (Besides the fact that Edward could read his mind, then we knew he was disappointed with us.)

"Come on," Emmett continued, "this could be the best prank we have ever pulled."

"You have a very dirty mind." Edward said to Emmett, clearly disgusted by the plan in his head.

In the end we decided that this would be the best prank we have ever done...So now here I am in Alice's bedroom as she puts the finishing touches on my hair, makeup and wardrobe. If there was a time I could die of embarrassment, now would be the time.

"Alice, I can't do this. Why can't you have her catch Rose and Em, you know they'd be glad to do it."

"Don't worry Bella, she isn't gonna catch you actually doing anything, hence, the pretty lingerie."

"Pixie, this is Grizzly" Emmett's voice yelled, through the walkie talkie, in what was supposed to be a whisper, "she has just finished folding the laundry."

"Roger that…and don't call me Pixie."

"Come on Bella," Alice said as she threw the walkie talkie onto the bed, "it's showtime."

We crept out of her room into mine, making sure there were no cameras around.

"I don't think I can do this." I said as she jumped up and down on the bed to ruffle the sheets.

"Do what? Have fake sex with your husband?" she said in a sarcastically as she tousled my hair.

"No, be in my underwear on TV."

Don't worry Bella, everything will be fine. I've seen it, remember."

"Pixie," Emmett's voice yelled from the walkie talkie, "get out now."

"Roger that. Initiating phase two momentarily." she replied.

"Okay Bella, it's now or never. Don't worry, you know the plan, everything will be fine…as long as Edward doesn't drop you again. Good luck." And with that she left the room yelling, "Who wants to play Yahtzee?!" Which was followed by a groan from Jacob, a 'hell yeah' from Emmett, a 'whatever' from Rosalie and an enthusiastic 'yes' from Ness and Jasper, who couldn't help it because other people were excited.

Cathy's POV

That evening I went to speak with Carlisle about the incident. He was rather calm about the fact that his children were having sex with each and more upset about the fact that they got caught.

"I believe that the children should be with whoever they love and Edward and Bella truly love each other." This was his answer to why he allows his children to date.

"Carlisle, I have been watching them all week, they never leave the other's side. They are always in their bedroom, apparently having sex. I wouldn't be surprised if that girl ended up pregnant."

"I can assure that will never happen." he said firmly, though I thought I heard a bit of sadness in his voice.

Cathy's POV

This family is out of control but tomorrow, things will change.

Alice's POV

Oh my God! I just had a vision of what Cathy has planned for us next week. I think it is best to inform my family by screaming dramatically…"We're all gonna die!"

**AN: Hope everyone enjoyed it. I hope to be putting out the next chapter shortly. Please review and tell me what you think. Feel free to also suggest what the new rules should be!**


	9. Cullen Rule Changes

**AN: Yay, next chapter! Hope everyone enjoyed the last one. This chapter is actually in two parts because it is very long. This chapter is about the Cullen Rule Change and the next chapter will be Clyne Rule Change. Thanks so much for your reviews. I actually had a lot of your ideas already down so that was good to know that you guys wanted what I was going to write! I'll stop writing now so you can read the chapter. Enjoy!**

Cathy's POV

Finally, today is rule change. Today these Cullens will finally behave. After observing them for a week, I have a fair amount of changes that need to take place. Everyone trudged into the dining room and took a seat, dreading, I'm sure, what was about to happen.

"Okay everyone, as you know, for the next week you are to follow the rules I give. These rules are to show you a way of living besides your own, so this week you will be living like the Clynes. First off, I don't think it is appropriate for you children to be sharing bedrooms so we are going to change some sleeping arrangements. Bella will share a room with Rosalie, Alice with Renesmee, Edward with Emmett and Jacob with Jasper."

There was an explosion of shouting over who they wanted to share a room with, a long string of profanities coming from Emmett, closely matched by the language coming out of Rosalie, and downright crying from Alice. Everyone's yelling had something to do with how mean I was, that it wasn't fair, and that they wanted Carlisle to fix it.

Carlisle whistled loudly to get everyone's attention then said, "Cathy, you do have the right to change the rules because it is your week. I don't believe though, for everyone's safety and sanity, that they are paired correctly. If I may, Ness should be paired with Bella, Rosalie can then share with Alice and that will eliminate the shouting that would have come from a Rose/Bella bedroom while giving Alice someone to talk to about fashion. Edward and Emmett together would destroy the bedroom, if not the whole house, so I believe that Edward should be with Jacob and Emmett with Jasper, even though that is still a risk, and it will relieve the tension of Jacob and Jasper sharing." He said all of this as if he was choosing his words carefully and it made me think that maybe there was a reason they were paired boy/girl in the first place.

"Wait," said Jacob, "what are we going to do about beds?"

"I am not sharing with Emmett." said Jasper as if he was disgusted by the thought.

"Oh come on Jazz, it would be like a slumber party!"

"Shut up, Emmett." Rosalie said as she smacked him upside the head.

I hadn't really thought that part through. "Well, I guess if you don't want to share beds you could use sleeping bags or the sofa--"

"Bella and I call the sofa!" Edward yelled throwing his hand in the air.

"Oh come on Edward." Emmett complained.

"Like you and Rose have never--" Edward replied.

"Boys." Carlisle said in a voice that was nowhere near a yell but just as effective as one.

"Sorry Carlisle," Edward apologized, "but desperate times call for desperate measures."

"I'm not sleeping in a closet!" Alice shrieked at the top of her lungs.

"Alice," Carlisle said, trying to calm her, "no one is going to make you sleep in a closet."

"Okay," I said, deciding it was best to move on, "we can figure out sleeping arrangements later. Along with the new bedrooms you will also have to be in bed by ten o'clock sharp and are to stay in there until six." There was a collective groan as I continued on. "The next rule is that you will all go back to school. I see no reason why you should stay home, I have not seen any of you pick up a book since I've been here so you must be terribly behind with your school work."

"Doubt that." Rosalie said under her breath as the others laughed.

"I am assuming that Rosalie, Alice, Bella, Jasper, Emmett, and Edward go to the public high school since they called asking for you. Renesmee, where do you go to school?"

"I don't." she said smiling up at me.

"What do you mean you don't go to school?" I wouldn't be surprised if this family didn't even bother educating their children.

"Renesmee is homeschooled by Esme because she is rather advanced for her age." Edward said.

"Hey, don't forget about me," Jacob said, "I help the little munchkin with school too."

"Yes, I didn't forget about you. Jacob, do you go to college?" Everyone burst out laughing as if I had made some kind of joke.

"Hell no."

"Well, for this week you are. You will be enrolling in the community college so that you can do something with your life."

"But I--"

"No excuses, you do nothing all day but fool around with the boys or watch over Renesmee as if she is a china doll. You are a grown up and need to act like one."

"Moving onto the next rule, there will be no shopping, at all, this week." Alice let out a moan as if she had been expecting this but had hoped that it would not come.

"And to make sure this happens, all of you will be handing over your credit card." I put a small basket onto the table, waiting for seven credit cards to be thrown in. Nothing happened.

"Children," Carlisle warned.

Slowly Edward pulled out his wallet, took out the credit card and placed it in the basket. "Guys, just do it so we don't get in trouble." Eventually I had seven credit cards in the basket and was about to move onto the next rule when Carlisle said, "Children…"

"Uh," Emmett groaned as he took out his wallet, "you happy, Carlisle?" He said as he threw six more cards into the basket.

"Thank you Emmett. Who's next?" Nobody moved. "You can do it yourself or I can do it for you."

"I'll do it myself, thank you very much." Jasper said as he took out the rest of his cards and put them in basket.

"Same," Edward said bitterly as he plucked his cards, one by one, out of his wallet and threw them into the growing pile. He then turned to Bella and whispered in her ear. She looked from him to Carlisle, in a state of disbelief, before muttering a 'fine' and throwing, what had to be at least, ten credit cards into the pile.

"Whoa, wait a minute." Emmett yelled, "What did you say Edward? Carlisle, that's not fair, they could be in cahoots!"

"He was just informing Bella on what I will do if you don't hand over your credit cards."

"I want to know! This isn't fair, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell--"

"He said he is going to stick you on an island by yourself for a year."

"That's not what he said."

"Are you willing to take that risk?" Bella asked, smirking.

"Rosie, give me your cards!"

"No!"  
"I am not spending a year without you! Give them to me!"

"You'll have to get them then." Rosalie sang, waving them in Emmett's face before putting them down her shirt.

"Fine by me." Emmett said as he tackled Rosalie to the ground and tried to get the credit cards.

"Emmett, give them back!"

"You are not spending a year on an island unless I'm there with you!"

"He is not going to send me to an island!"

"We can't take that risk!"

"Emmett…fine." Rosalie and Emmett emerged from under the table. Rosalie tossed a thick stack of cards onto the mounding pile.

"Classy, Emmett." Edward said.

"Shut up, Edward."

"Ok, well Jacob, how about you?" I asked, deciding I should take back my meeting.

"Don't look at me." he said putting his hands up, "I'm normal, I only have one card."

The only one left was Alice. Everyone stared at her expectantly.

"Fine." she said, throwing a stack of cards into the pile. That was easy, too easy. Apparently I wasn't the only one who thought so because Carlisle said, "Alice, you can't expect us to believe that you would give up that easily. Hand the rest of them over."

"No, please Carlisle, I gave half can't I keep the rest?" Half? There had to be at least ten cards in there and that was half.

"Jasper…" Carlisle said, expecting Jasper to know what to do.

"Alice," he said softly, "come on, hand them over. For me, please?"

"Don't you dare try to manipulate me Jasper Hale."

"Alice," Carlisle said as looked purposefully at her, "you know I'm not bluffing."

"If I must." Alice said sadly as she pulled out two more cards and added them to the pile.

"Alice…" Two more cards.

"Alice." Two more cards.

"Alice, this is the last time I'm going to ask." Two more cards.

"Edward, would you please help your sister."

"My pleasure." Edward smirked as he disappeared from the room and came back moments later with an armful of cards.

"I found these," he held up two cards, "under the computer. These," he held up another two, "under her laptop. These in Jasper's underwear drawer." he said with a shudder as he added four more cards to the heap. "And these were under Alice's bed." He turned a tiny box upside down and a waterfall of credit cards fell onto the table. "But we must not forget Alice's wallet…" he said, clearly enjoying himself, as he opening the wallet and unrolled a line of credit cards so long it fell to the floor. One by one he took out the cards and threw them into the basket that could no longer be seen under the pile of credit cards. When he reached the last one Alice cried out, "Not Daphne, please let me keep her."

"You know the rules Alice."

"You named all your credit cards?" Edward asked

"How did you not run out of names?" laughed Emmett

"I only named her, she was my first born." Alice said before she kissed it and added it to the heaping pile. "You should understand Edward, you named your first born."

"That's different, she is a chi--"

"Edward." cautioned Carlisle.

"Chicken." Edward finished. "I had a chicken...when I was...twelve?...but then um, Emmett...killed her?" Edward said all of this as if he wasn't so sure of it himself.

"Ok, well, if we are finally through here, onto the next rule. I will also be taking away your TV," I said as people from the show dismounted it from the wall, "because everyone, especially Emmett, is too attached to it. It is going into storage and you will get it back after the week is over."

Emmett, who I was surprised to see was smiling, got up from the table and disappeared through a doorway. Everyone, besides Edward who was smirking and Alice who had her hands clasped over her mouth in an attempt to contain laughter, were looking just as confused as to why Emmett wasn't distraught over the loss of his TV. Moments later he returned, dragging a large box.

"That's okay, I always keep an extra in case of emergencies." he said, smiling, even as the workers took that one away too.

He ran back down the stairs, to what I concluded must be the basement, and an identical box appeared moments later, "And another." This was just getting ridiculous, as he disappeared down the stairs for the third time, and brought up yet another box. "And another." he said, obviously pleased with himself. As the workers took it away he fell to his knees, arms extended toward the box, shouting, "That was the last one. How will I go on?"

"Emmett, you're such an idiot." Edward said shaking his head, "If you had left the boxes down there she wouldn't have known you had them."

"Shut up Edward." Emmett cried.

"Jasper, enough." Carlisle said as if Jasper was the reason for Emmett's tears.

"This is all him, I swear." Jasper laughed.

"Emmett," Rosalie yelled, "get over it. It's a TV, we can get another one."

Emmett sobered up immediately and went to sit down beside Rosalie.

"We will also," I continued, "be eating meals together as a family every day." Another collective groan came from around the table. "We will eat breakfast together at seven o'clock and eat dinner together at six o'clock, no exceptions. This includes you Carlisle. I believe that you do not spend enough time with your children and therefore you will come home in time for dinner each evening."

"Excuse me Cathy," Carlisle said, "though this is your week and you have the right to change the rules, my shift doesn't usually end until ten o'clock. I can't just leave early."

"I'm sorry Carlisle but I think spending time with your children is more important."

He looked like he was about to protest when Emmett said, "Yeah Carlisle, if we have to follow the rules so do you. You heard her, you have to spend time with us kids. We won't stay kids forever you know." he finished with a laugh.

"If I could only be so lucky." Carlisle mumbled, which caused everyone else at the table to break out into laughter.

"Also, in my week here I have noticed that you allow Renesmee to take part in inappropriate activities. You are her older siblings and should be looking out for her. So for this week we will be getting rid of all inappropriate items and she will play games, read books, watch movies, and listen to music that is acceptable for her age."

"No! Daddy, don't let her." Renesmee sobbed as she clung to Edward's shirt. Wait...did Renesmee just call him daddy? I noticed everyone else had frozen in their seats. Something wasn't right here.

"Did Renesmee just call Edward her father?"

Rosalie's POV

Shit, she was doing so well.

Jasper's POV

Shit, we're done.

Alice's POV

Shit, I didn't see this coming!

Jacob's POV

Shit, we were so close.

Emmett's POV

I love my Rosie she's so smokin' hot and--oh shit, did Ness just call Edward daddy?

Carlisle's POV

Edward, you have to think of a cover. I don't think it would be best to say that a seventeen year old has an eight year old daughter on national television.

Cathy's POV

"Yes," Edward said, looking flustered, "well, Renesmee is my niece and um--"

"Her parents died when she was a baby and--" Bella cut in, only to be interrupted by Emmett who shouted, "Kid barely knew them."

"Poor little Nessie was left to Edward, her only remaining relative." Alice cried dramatically while grabbing Renesmee into a bone-crushing hug.

"So Esme and I decided to help Edward by raising her." Carlisle said calmly, as if he had been in this situation before.

"Sometimes, though, she forgets --" Jasper started.

"When someone really upsets her," Rosalie interjected, glaring at me.

"And she calls him daddy." Jasper finished.

"Yup," was all Jacob had to say.

Apparently done with their story they all sat back in their chairs looking pleased with themselves. It seemed as if this was some kind of game to them. Adding onto the story until it made sense. I was about to question this story when I was suddenly filled with a sense of trust and belief in what the Cullens had said.

"If we are getting rid of all inappropriate things, can Jacob go?"

"Hey!" yelled Jacob

"Rosalie…" Carlisle warned

"I second that." said Edward

"What?" yelled Jacob

"Jacob will not be going anywhere, end of discussion."

"Thank you Carlisle. Nice try Blondie."

"I wouldn't sleep tonight, Jacob, if I were you." Edward said with a smirk

"Children, enough. Cathy, please continue."

"Thank you Carlisle. I believe that is all but most importantly we have the Clyne family motto, which will be yours for the week: Clynes are committed."

"Yeah, in a mental institution."

**AN: Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Next up is the changes Esme makes. Please review and feel free to add what rule changes she will make.**


	10. Clyne Rule Changes

**AN: Sorry this chapter is really short but I wanted to get something out. Enjoy!**

Esme's POV

I am so excited. Today is the rule change and I will finally be able to loosen this family up a little bit. Adam and Ashley came downstairs and sat down at the table.

"I am so excited for rule changes Esme, we are going to have fun right?" Ashley asked with a big smile on her face.

"Of course we are sweetheart."

"What does it matter? It's not like everything is going to stay that way." Adam stated grumpily.

"You don't know that for sure Adam." I decided that it was best to change the subject, "Where is your father? He's late."

"That's not a surprise." mumbled Adam.

"He promised he would be here." Ashley reassured him while glancing at her phone. Just then Bob came through the door with a box of papers that he dropped on the floor before coming to join us at the table.

"Sorry everyone, I had to finish something at the office. Now let's make this quick because I have a lawsuit I need to settle."

"Ok," I began, "now that everyone is present we can start. I want to first of all say that I have enjoyed staying here and observing the way you live but I have decided to make a few changes that I think could benefit everyone. The first rule is that the children must do something fun each night. All the children do is homework and practice, so for the next week you get to choose something, like watch a movie or TV show, for fun."

"You mean we can watch TV even though it isn't the weekend?!" Ashley asked, probably thinking it was too good to be true.

"Yes you can." I smiled as she clapped her hands together and said, "Maybe I can watch that model reality show that my friends are always talking about!"

"You mean America's Next Top Model? My daughters love that show, they never miss an episode. I'm sure you'll love it." I can't believe that Ashley has never even heard of Top Model. I'm sure Alice would have had a heart attack just by the thought. To say she loves that show is an understatement. She once beat Emmett up and hid his left arm for a week because he switched to a football game right before Tyra announced the winner of season six.

"A reality show?" Bob said in a disapproving tone, "You are not wasting your time watching a reality show about modeling."

"But--" Ashley began to protest but was cut off by her brother, "Dad, we're on a reality show right now!"

"Ashley may watch whatever show she likes Bob. It is my week to make the rules and I would appreciate it if you were open to this experience. The next rule also applies to the children. I am giving you permission to go out on the weekends with friends. You have to have a little fun and hanging out with friends is a great way."

Ashley was absolutely beaming as she said, "We can actually hang out with them outside of school?!"

"I don't know if that is a good idea Esme." Bob scolded again.

"I don't believe that it is your decision. This is my week and I believe that the children should be able to hang out with their friends."

"Now this next rule applies to you, Bob. In my week here Adam has had two football games and you have failed to attend both."

"That's nothing new." mumbled Adam

"I've been busy." was Bob's excuse.

"You always are." said Ashley

"I object." Bob exclaimed, pounding his fist on the table.

"Could you not use courtroom jargon for once?" Adam yelled, falling back in his chair.

"I don't know what the defendant is talking about."

"Anyway, for the rest of my time here you have to spend more time with your children. There will be no more excuses of being busy at work, you will see your son play football and your daughter cheerlead or dance or whatever it is they want."

Bob looked outraged, "I can't just neglect my work."

"You won't be neglecting it. You will just have to find time to spend with your children."

Bob was apparently at a loss for words because he crossed his arms over his chest and sat back in his chair, looking like Emmett when he pouts.

"And my last rule for you is to have fun. My family loves to have fun and because of it we live a happier life...most of the time." No need to add that my children's idea of fun usually includes illegal activities and usually ends in arguing.

That went rather well, knowing that things are probably much worse at my house.

Bob's POV

That went horribly. I can't believe I have to let this woman mess with our lives. This is probably just some joke to her; coming here and making us live like she does. If this is even how she lives. (Though I wouldn't be surprised if it is.) She's so rich she has probably never worked a day in her life and that is why she doesn't understand the importance of my job. We'll see, I'll find some way to get out of her crazy plans.

Ashley's POV

Oh my gosh, I love Esme. She only gave us three rules and they were all about having fun. I can finally act like a real teenager, even if it is only for a week. Hopefully this will turn out for the better. Maybe dad will even change his mind and can convince mom to loosen the rules a little bit…maybe.

Adam's POV

That wasn't bad at all. Dad is never going to listen to Esme though; he insists that we do all of these activities but then never supports us. I really hope Esme influences our lifestyle. Her kids seem to be carefree and crazy from what I've heard. We could use a little crazy in this house.

**AN: Thanks to everyone who reviewed. Please continue to and tell me what you think. Ideas are always welcome :) I promise a next chapter shortly. (It will come faster if I get some good ideas ;)**


	11. The Changes Begin

**AN: Hey everyone, I'm sooo sorry I wasn't able to update sooner but I have been super busy because school is starting again soon. I will probably only be able to update on weekends once school starts but I promise I will keep the chapters coming. Enjoy!**

Alice's POV

"Now, since I have finished informing you on the new rules it is time to put them into action." Cathy was still babbling on about how she planned to torture us this week. "You will start by taking any belongings necessary into your new bedrooms." Everyone sat there staring at her. Did she really think we were going to move all of our belongings into another room for a week? "Now." Apparently so. We all slowly got up from our seats, huffing and mumbling under our breath, as we made our way up the stairs. I got to my room and looked around. How was I supposed to move my whole closet into another room? Especially if I had to use a human speed for the cameras.

"Alice, she only wants you to move what you would need for the week, not all the contents of your closet." Edward said, reading my mind.

"But Edward, I don't know what I am going to need for the week, I could need anything in this closet."

"Well," Edward said, looking around, "I have a feeling you won't have the need for cocktail dresses or ball gowns so that at least eliminates the north wall."

"Shut up Edward."

"Edward," Rosalie exclaimed as she entered the room with an armful of clothes, "I think Bella was calling you."

"What does she need?" Edward asked looking concerned.

"I don't know, she wasn't calling for me."

"Thanks for the help Rose." Edward replied sarcastically as he left the room.

"What did Bella need?" I asked while Rose hung her clothes in my closet.

"Nothing." Rose said with a smirk on her face, "I just told him that so he would leave the room."

"Genius." I praised her.

"I know." I went to give her a high five when I had a vision.

"Alice, what is it?" Rose asked, looking concerned that this week could get even worse.

I ran to the doorway as fast as I could, at human speed of course, and yelled down the stairs, "Rose and I call dibs on my bedroom, don't even think about it Emmett!" I ran back into the room, hearing Emmett mumble 'damn it' under his breath.

"What was that about?" Rose asked, looking confused.

"Emmett wanted to stay in here with Jazz and due to some unfortunate events half my closet ended up being destroyed. I had to call dibs before he did."

"Ah," Rose said, shaking her head at her husband's idiocy. Then realization hit her, "But you let him loose in my room?!" She stormed out of the room and bent so far over the banister to yell at Emmett that I thought she was going to flip over. "Emmett McCarty Cullen, so help me if I find anything destroyed in our room, it will become MY room indefinitely."

Emmett looked scared shitless as he replied, "Okay Rosie, don't worry I won't let Jasper do anything stupid."

"Dude," Jasper said before smacking Emmett on the back of the head, "I'm going to go pack."

Cathy's POV

After much screaming, crying and carrying on they had managed to move most of their belongings into another room. And when I say most I mean most. You can barely walk in Alice and Rosalie's bedroom or the hallway outside because there is so much stuff there, they even made a closet in the hallway to hold the rest of Rosalie's clothing. Then I caught Emmett and Jasper lugging big boxes into their room and then they locked the door, talking in hushed tones. They are clearly up to something, I will have to find out later. The third floor was much better, Bella moved in with Renesmee without a fuss and Edward and Jacob also seemed to be behaving themselves. Now I guess it is time to go start dinner.

---

"Dinner's ready." I called as I set the food on the table.

"Do we have to eat?" Rosalie asked as she came into the dining room.

"Yeah," agreed Bella, "I'm not hungry."

"Girls," Carlisle warned as he sat down at the head of the table, "Cathy made us dinner and you are going to eat it."

"I'll eat for them, I'm starving." Jacob exclaimed as he sat down and started shoveling food onto his plate.

"Hey Ness, want some green beans?" Jacob asked, showing the bowl to her.

Renesmee looked into the bowl, wrinkling her nose, "Ew, no."

"Renesmee…" warned Edward.

"I mean, yum, green beans." Renesmee stated with fake enthusiasm before stuffing one into her mouth.

"Ew, what is that?" Emmett yelled pointing at the tofu loaf.

"It's tofu. Since you guys are vegetarians I substituted tofu in for the meat in meatloaf."

"Yeah I'm not hungry anymore." Jacob said as he pushed his plate away from him.

"Jacob…"

"I'm sorry Carlisle but I am not eating tofu loaf."

"Where are Alice and Jasper?" I asked, noticing their absence.

"No Jazz," Alice cried from the hallway, "you can't make me!"

"Sorry everyone, Alice didn't want to come down to dinner." Jasper apologized as he entered with Alice hung over his shoulder.

"Jasper, put your sister down please." Carlisle said with his head in his hands. Now I know why they never have dinner together as a family.

---

Dinner was over and the children had relocated into the living room. Edward was playing the piano with Bella at his side, Rosalie and Alice were looking at more fashion magazines, a very bored Jacob and Renesmee were playing Candyland and Emmett and Jasper were playing a game involving a chess board, some monopoly pieces, eight decks of cards, and the occasional utterance of 'OPA!'. I didn't want to know.

At quarter to ten I announced to the children that they should go up to their rooms to get ready for bed. Once again they all moaned and groaned but eventually disappeared behind closed doors.

Ten minutes past bedtime the trouble started. Jacob came down the stairs grumbling. Carlisle, with a sigh, closed the book he had been reading and sat back, waiting for the show.

"Carlisle, I'm trying to sleep and Edward keeps staring at me!"

"Edward, stop staring at Jacob." Carlisle called so softly I was sure Edward didn't hear it on the third floor.

"What else am I supposed to do? I'm bored out of my mind." Edward complained from his bedroom.

"You should go to sleep."

I thought I heard Edward snort in reply before he turned up his music.

"Can I just sleep in my own room." Jacob begged.

"Of course Jacob. I don't see any harm in it. Do you Cathy?" he asked turning to me.

"Oh uh, no, I don't think that would be a problem."

"Thanks." Jacob said as he jogged back up the stairs. "Take that leech, who you gonna stare at now?!" He calls his brother a leech? That is not very polite, we will have to have a talk about the language in this house.

"Don't worry, I've found a better subject." was Edward's reply before he turned his music up so high that it muffled any comment Jacob had made back. Carlisle let out another sigh as he ran his hand through his hair. He had just begun reading his book again when Emmett came calling his name.

"Carlisle, I'm bored." he whined as he sat down next to him.

"What do you mean you're bored?" Carlisle asked.

"Jasper won't play with me."

"Emmett, entertain yourself." said Carlisle, exasperated.

"I can't I'm bored!"

"Emmett go upstairs and get to bed, now."

"Fine." he said as he stomped up the stairs and slammed his door.

It couldn't have been more than five minutes later when I heard another door slam upstairs, soon followed by another door being hit against the wall. A few seconds later Edward's music was turned off.

"Alice, don't you knock?" Edward yelled

"What does it matter? You wouldn't have heard me over that noise! Since when do you listen to heavy metal?"

"Since it drowns out noise. What do you want anyway?"

"For you to be quiet. Rose and I are trying to get ahead of the latest trends and we can't even hear each other over that racket!" Alice screeched, her voice going higher at every word.

Carlisle walked to the foot of the staircase and yelled, "That's it, everyone down here, now."

Emmett and Jasper were the first down the stairs soon followed by Rosalie, all of them still dressed in their clothes from earlier today.

"Now Edward."

Snickering, Jacob emerged from around the corner with a very groggy Renesmee on his back. Next came Alice, skipping down the stairs with a smirk on her face. Pulling up the rear were Edward and Bella, Edward only in his boxers and Bella in one of his shirts. Emmett burst out into laughter and was only silenced by the looks he received from both Edward and Carlisle. They had obviously broken one of the rules by sleeping together. They would have to be punished for that later.

"This behavior is unacceptable. Now I want you all to go to sleep and I don't want to hear from you again until morning. Do I make myself clear?"

Everyone nodded, too scared to say anything else.

"Good, now go to bed."

Everyone got up and silently went to their rooms, followed by Carlisle.

Alice's POV

Here we are again in my closet for a super secret meeting.

"Okay everyone, we made it through the first week now we have to do something even better for the second. Now since sex is will technically get us in more trouble than--" I was cut off by Emmett who said, "You know, she never said that we couldn't have sex. She just said that we couldn't sleep in the same room and since none of us sleep that rule technically doesn't apply to us." Oh my God, that is totally genius! How did no one else think of that?

We all stared at Emmett for a few minutes completely dumbfounded before he defended himself saying, "What? I was just saying."

"Who are you and what have you done to my husband?" Rosalie looked at Emmett suspiciously

"What are you talking about?"

"Rosalie is just shocked, as we all are, that you said something that was actually intelligent." Edward smirked.

"Hey, sometimes I have good ideas!"

"Oh yeah, name five."

"Hey! We have to stay on track because we don't have much time. Now, my idea first. Bella, I think it's time Ness had a sibling."

"What are you talking about Alice?" Bella asked looking terribly confused.

"Well, you two have been caught in some risqué situations and now she thinks you're like devil children or something so why not take it a step further and make you pregnant!" I think it is an ingenious idea!

"What? Alice that would never work."

"Yes it will, I've already seen it." It was true, I had seen it and it worked perfectly.

"All we have to do is have her catch you throwing up some of that disgusting food of hers and make some of your pants not fit. She will totally freak out and jump to conclusions."

Bella bit her lip, unsure of what to do.

"Let's put it to a vote. Who thinks that we should make Bella pregnant?" I raised my hand along with Emmett while everyone else just stared at me. Jazzy?! He has to side with me I'm his wife. I threw his hand up in the air with mine and said, "three against three but my vote counts for a thousand so we win. Besides Bella, I've already seen that you'll say yes."

Bella looked over at Edward before saying, "Fine, I guess if you really want to…"

"Yay! Now onto the next order of business: school."

**AN: Thanks so much to everyone that reviews please keep doing so and feel free to give any suggestions to the story. I promise another chapter will come soon!**


	12. Why Is Nobody Wearing Pants!

**AN: I am so sorry that this took so long but it wasn't letting me upload the document and I don't know why. :(**

Cathy's POV

"Children," I called up the stairs, "come on, you're going to be late for school." This was unusual, as bad as these kids are they were always ready on time. I don't know what could be keeping them.

"I need to go shopping, this is a fashion emergency!" Alice yelled as she flew down the stairs.

"Alice, what's wrong?" I asked, concerned that something horrible had happened.

"Bella needs new clothes!" Are you kidding me? That kid has more clothes than a department store.

'Why? Doesn't she have a closet full of them?"

"They don't fit!" She screamed as if this was the end of the world.

"What do you mean they don't fit?" There was no way that nothing in her closet fit her.

"She's fat, her pants don't fit! I have to go shopping and get her new!" Bella fat? She is one of the skinniest girls I have ever seen! All of the Cullen girls are the skinniest girls I have ever seen.

"Can't she just wear sweat pants or something?"

Alice gasped, "Sweat pants?! She will not be caught dead in sweat pants! Besides she doesn't own any."

"Yes I do Alice!" Came Bella's voice from somewhere upstairs.

"No you don't, I burned them." Alice said with a little smirk on her face.

"What?!" shrieked Bella. What is with this family and burning unwanted clothing?!

"Well can't she just borrow some from Rosalie then?" They are about the same size aren't they?

"Are you calling Rosalie fatter than Bella?" Alice asked in disbelief.

"What?!" Rosalie screeched from upstairs.

"Oh no she didn't!" yelled Emmett from his room. Oh, that's not what I meant, now she is going to hate me even more.

"Rosalie is just taller. Now back to Bella. She needs new pants…well technically she could use some shirts too but I'm sure she could just wear some of her more loose, flowy, empire waist shirts, if you know what I mean."

"Where did this sudden weight gain come from? She looked the same to me yesterday."

"I don't know, Carlisle is the doctor, I'm only her stylist and I say she needs new pants because hers won't close!" Oh dear God, loose shirts and her pants won't close...

"Bella, would you come down here please?" I have to see this for myself to make sure Alice isn't lying.

"No!"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm fat!" she cried from upstairs.

"I'm sure Alice is just saying that so she can go shopping. If you won't come down then I'll come to you." I said as I began to climb the stairs. I found her in the room that she shared with Edward. She was sitting on Edward's lap, surrounded by what looked like a warzone. There were clothes thrown everywhere, dresser drawers open, and a mess in the closet. Rosalie was standing over her with a tape measure.

"Her waist is two inches bigger, that's why her pants won't close."

"Bella, stand up please and try to close your pants." I told her as I carefully made my way over a pile of jeans. Bella left Edward's lap, wiping her eyes, and then tried to button her pants. Holy shit, her pants don't fit. I thought Alice was just lying so she could go shopping. This is ridiculous, her pants fit yesterday…wait, she wore a skirt with an elastic waist and the first non-form fitting shirt I had seen her in. No, she can't be, this is ridiculous. But what else could it be? I haven't seen her eat anything besides the little bits at breakfast and dinner so there is no way this is from eating.

"I told you, she got fat." Alice said with a smile on her face.

"Alice…" Edward scolded as he continued to comfort Bella.

"What? It's the truth."

"Yeah, it's not our fault you have a fat girlfriend." Rosalie snickered.

"Rosalie, I think Emmett's looking for you." Edward said angrily.

"No he's not." Rosalie laughed.

"Girls," I said, deciding to intervene before it got into a fight, "why don't you go find Bella something to wear because I am not letting you go shopping. Edward, Bella, I'd like to have a word with you and your father tonight."

"Of course." Edward replied

"Hey Bella," Rosalie called, "why don't you try some of Emmett's pants?"

"Come on Bella, we'll find you something." Edward said, soothing her, as he led her into the closet.

I went into the kitchen and immediately called Carlisle at the hospital.

Carlisle's POV

"Hello, Dr. Carlisle Cullen speaking, how may I help you?"

"Carlisle, this is Cathy." Oh no, what did they do now?

"Hello Cathy, is everything alright?"

"Well, not really. I think we should have a talk with Edward and Bella when you get home." Edward and Bella? They never get in trouble.

"Why what happened?"

"I have a feeling Bella might be pregnant."

"What? No I don't think--excuse me I have another call, one minute."

"Hello, Dr--"

"Carlisle," Alice's voice shrieked through the receiver, "you have to agree with Cathy. Don't tell her it is impossible for Bella to get pregnant."

"Alice, what are you up to?"

"Just pulling a harmless prank that hinges on your ability as a doctor to persuade her that she is really pregnant."

"Alice I--"

"Oh, gotta go start phase two…or is it three…not sure, thanks so much Carlisle, see you later, bye!"

Oh, this is not going to end well. I switched back over to Cathy, not exactly sure what I was going to say.

"Hello Cathy, I'm sorry I got a call from a patient and I just had to sort some things out. Now where were we?"

"I believe that Bella is pregnant."

"Why do you believe that?"

"Well we know that she is sexually active and now she is saying none of her clothes fit." Ah, the work of Alice.

"Ok, well --"

"Um, Carlisle, I'm sorry but I have to go. We can talk about this more when you get home."

Cathy's POV

I hung up the phone and raced up the stairs to the bathroom. In it I found all of the Cullens, minus Renesmee and Jacob, huddled around the toilet where Bella sat throwing up her breakfast.

"What is going on in here?" I asked

"What does it look like? Bella is throwing up into a toilet." Oh, this can't be good. I ignored Rosalie's snide comment and turned to Bella.

"Bella, come here, let me feel your forehead."

"I don't know if that's a good idea," Emmett laughed, "she's been spewing food for like five minutes straight."

"And she doesn't have a fever." Edward added from his spot on the floor next to Bella.

"Just nausea." Jasper smirked from the doorway where he stood with Emmett.

"How long have you felt nauseous Bella?"

"All morning." she sighed, falling against Edward's chest.

"I would look a little green too if none of my clothes fit." Rosalie was just one nasty remark after another.

Alice squeaked and then said, "Maybe your pants will fit now because you threw up so much."

"I don't think it works that way Alice."

"Well sorry, but how is she going to go to school without pants?"

"I'm not going to school." Bella decided, folding her arms across her chest.

"Oh my God, that is a brilliant idea. Jasper, I bet you that I can go longer without pants at school than you can."

"You're on!" Jasper high fived Emmett and left the room.

"Eddie, you want in on this bet?"

"No, I'm staying home with Bella."

"What?! That's not fair I want to stay home with Bells." Emmett whined while he stomped his foot.

"Emmett, if you don't go to school then you can't win your bet."

"That's true," Emmett said as if it was a great revelation, "see ya Bells."

"I'm gonna make sure they don't hurt themselves." Rosalie said as she followed Emmett out of the bathroom. Moments later a car horn honked.

"I gotta go, I'll see you guys later." Alice said as she left the bathroom too. The car horn started to beep over and over again until Alice yelled from downstairs, "Emmett, keep your pants on, I'm coming!"

"Ha! I'm not wearing any!"

Apparently they had decided amongst themselves that Bella would be staying home from school today because she didn't feel well and Edward would be staying to keep her company. I'm so glad I'm in charge.

As it turned out Bella and Edward were no trouble. Bella's nausea suspiciously went away minutes after the others left for school and then they spent the day playing with Renesmee. It was once the others got home that the chaos started.

Car doors slammed and Emmett and Jasper came in fighting over who had won the pants bet they had started earlier today.

Rosalie slammed the front door closed and yelled, "Would you two shut up! You both lost, you idiots, because you both got detention for breaking the dress code!"

"But Rosie, tell Jasper that since he got detention first I win."

"No way, the slips were handed to us at the same time."

"No they weren't!"

"Yes they were!"

"No they weren't!"

"Yes they were!"

"No they—"

"Guys!" Bella yelled from the sofa where she sat with Edward and Renesmee, "Why don't you just make it a tie so you both win and can both shut up!"

"Fine," Emmett pouted, sitting down on the chair, "but I want a rematch. Something even better than going pants-less through school."

"Just name the time and the place."

Argument settled, everyone started to go their separate ways when I remembered that I had never punished Edward and Bella for their behavior last night.

"Edward, Bella, could you come here for a minute please."

I thought I heard Edward groan before he started whispering in Bella's ear.

"For breaking the rules that I had asked you to follow I will be taking away your cell phones."

Edward handed his phone over without a fight and I turned to Bella.

"I don't have a cell phone." She said innocently.

'What do you mean you don't have a cell phone?" There was no way this child did not have a cell phone, they had everything in this house.

"I just use Edward's if I need one." She said, shrugging as if it was no big deal.

Just then a phone started ringing from her pocket. She grimaced, pulled it out, checked the caller id, and took a deep breath before answering the phone.

"Hello?" Bella seethed into the phone

"Hey Bells, what's up?"' Emmett laughed into his cell phone from across the room.

"Go to hell Emmett!" Bella yelled into her phone before closing it and putting it in my outstretched hand.

"Already there Bells."

**AN: Thanks so much for reading. Please review and tell me what you think, I always like to know what you want to read about.**


	13. Anybody Up For a Little Game?

**AN: Hey everyone I am sooooo sorry that this took so long to put up but I have been so crazy with the start of school and everything that I couldn't find time to sit down and write. I know it's a little short and it was supposed to be part of another chapter but I decided to split it up so that you guys don't have to wait any longer.**

Cathy's POV

These children are the devil. No matter how many rules I made they find a way around them.

"Who's up for a game of poker?!" Emmett yelled as he came down the stairs, in a parka, shuffling a deck of cards. Dear God, they're children! They should not be gambling.

"What kind of poker?" Edward asked suspiciously

"Poker of the strip variety." Emmett said, a grin appearing on his face. Are you kidding me?! Not only are they gambling but they are going to strip while they play?!

"You want to play strip poker? While we are on TV?!" Bella asked in a disbelieving tone. Maybe she's the sensible one…no, she's probably pregnant.

"Why not? It could be an experience like never before!"

"Emmett's right, I'm in!" Alice trilled as she took a seat on the floor. I knew she was a wild one.

"Yeah, whatever." Rosalie agreed dropping to the floor next to Alice.

"Jazz?" Emmett asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Really Emmett, how could you doubt me? I enjoy anything that involves betting." So he has a gambling problem? I'll have to talk to Carlisle about what these children do in their spare time.

"Hey Edward, stop talking dirty to Bella and sit your ass on the floor!"

"Emmett, I didn't even agree to play."

"Yeah well, we don't have all day so I am agreeing for you. Take a sit." Emmett patted the place next to him and Edward begrudgingly sat down, pulling Bella next to him. I cannot let this happen.

"Are your parents okay with you playing strip poker?" I would never let my children play such a game.

"They don't like us playing any games, especially strip poker." laughed Emmett, as he dealt the cards out to each player. Well that's reassuring.

"After the incident of '07." added Jasper. Who has an 'incident' while playing poker, especially one big enough that you give it a name. I swear these children are insane; it will be a miracle if I make it out of here alive.

"But we obviously don't listen to them." Rosalie stated as if it should have been obvious, which it was since they were playing right now.

"Well then, I don't know if you should be playing now." I mean, I am technically their mother for the week and they have to follow my rules...

"You didn't make playing a card game against the rules." Rosalie sneered.

"I would if I had known you played strip poker."

"See what you find out when you spend some time in this house." Rosalie said with a fake smile before turning back to Emmett. I'm not sure I want to find out what secrets this family has.

Emmett was finishing some speech about the rules, "And remember we are playing by Cullen house rules, which means no cheating," he pretended to cough when he said: "Edward, Jasper, Alice."

"Subtle, Emmett." Jasper laughed. Great, so half of them are also cheaters. Just something else to add to the list of things wrong with this family. I wasn't going to sit here and watch the disaster that I knew would eventually occur, so I went to start dinner.

Alice's POV

"Well," Emmett said as soon as he had finished passing out the cards, "I think that we should get this show on the road. Edward, take the pants off."

"What?!" Edward asked in disbelief, "We just started, how do you know my hand isn't better than yours."

"Well, I would be pretty impressed if you could beat my royal flush." Emmett smirked as he put his cards on the floor in front of him, "Read 'um and weep, little brother."

"Come on Emmett, you so cheated." Edward yelled, throwing down his fairly good hand.

"Do you have any proof?"

"Besides the fact that you managed to get a royal flush on the first hand?!"

"I'm just lucky I guess." Emmett smirked, "Now get rid of the pants."

Grumbling, Edward stood up and took off his pants, throwing them at Emmett.

"Guys, can we just get back to the game!" said Rosalie.

"Not if he is going to cheat." Edward pouted, folding his arms across his chest.

"Bella," Rosalie sighed, "please control your boyfriend."

"Maybe you should control yours."

"You can't prove I did anything!" Emmett yelled, suddenly angry.

"Emmett, it's obvious you cheated, you're not that good at poker." Edward yelled back, equally angry.

"Maybe I'm just lucky."

"Or maybe you made sure you were lucky."

I looked over at my Jazzy, who was chuckling quietly, "Jazz," I whispered, "knock it off or they will do something they will both regret on national television!"

"Fine," Jasper said, stopping the anger shortly after. The boys immediately relaxed from their crouched positions and glared at Jazz.

"Now, since you boys rudely interrupted our game I think you should both lose your shirts." I said with a wide smile on my face.

They stared at me, as Edward went to protested I shouted, "Lose them!" and they immediately took off their shirts. I love the power I have over them.

Twenty minutes and many arguments later...

It was down to just Edward and Emmett.

"Lose the boxers buddy." smirked Edward, as he showed his hand that would finally beat Emmett's. Throughout the course of the game they had become rather competitive, forgetting that the rest of us were even playing.

Emmett ripped off his boxers and yelled, "Ha! I'm wearing another pair."

"Why do you wear two pairs of boxers?" Edward asked, shaking his head in disbelief.

"For occasions such as these." Emmett smiled, as he sat down and handed out another round of cards.

"Do you plan to lose your underwear often?" laughed Jasper.

"That my friend, is none of your business." Emmett said with a wink

"Ew," Bella laughed, "can you just finish the game. This is going to be the last round since you are both down to your boxers. Emmett, these are your last pair of boxers aren't they?"

"Duh Bells, who wears more than two pairs of boxers?"

"Moving on," Jasper said handing out the cards, "last round, see what you've got."

"Yes!" Emmett yelled throwing down his cards, "What now?! Beat that, sucka!"

Emmett began to dance around the room like an idiot shouting random phrases like: "Burn!" "What now Eddie boy?!" and the occasional "Emmett rules the universe!"

"Um, Em…" Rosalie hesitated, looking at the cards he had thrown down.

"Not now Rosie." Emmett yelled as he started doing the running man across the room.

"But Em…"

"I just beat Edward, let me do a victory dance." He said as he finished up the sprinkler and transitioned into the moon walk.

"You didn't beat him you idiot! He has a four of a kind, which beats your full house!"

Emmett froze mid step and ran over to check the cards himself. Edward's smile grew larger as realization hit Emmett.

"I told you I would beat you." Edward said standing up. "Now, I think I'm supposed to tell you to take off the boxers…but, since none of us want to see what is under them, I think I'll go and celebrate my victory with Bella." He picked up their clothes and was about to go upstairs when Carlisle walked through the door. He froze when he saw all of us standing around in our underwear and then shook his head as he saw the pile of cards left strewn on the floor.

"Well, what have you been up to today children?" It was silent as everyone looked in a different direction. Emmett went to say something but Rosalie put her hand over his mouth before the word vomit came out. Carlisle walked over to the chair in which he usually sat and picked up Emmett's extra pair of boxers from off his book.

"Emmett, do you think it would be too much to ask if you didn't put your underwear on my book, please."

"My bad Carlisle, won't happen again."

"No it won't." he said, throwing them at Emmett, "Now everyone get dressed and ready for dinner."

**AN: Again thank you guys so much for being patient. Please review and tell me what you think and if you have any ideas. (ideas make the writing process faster ;))**


	14. Food Fight!

**AN: Hey everyone sorry this took so long but I am super busy now so it makes it impossible to write in one sitting. I promise you though that you will keep getting chapters as quickly as I can think them up! This chapter is a little short but I am almost done with the next one already so it shouldn't be that long! Hope you enjoy this chapter and please review to tell me what you think!**

Cathy's POV

Oh dear God! I heard Carlisle arrive and went to tell the children that dinner was ready and found them all standing around in their underwear. They were all looking rather guilty, which they should, and were staring at different things in the room, not meeting anyone's eye.

"Did I hear food?" Jacob asked as he came down the stairs with Renesmee. He stopped when he saw everyone standing around in their underwear.

"Oh, this is good," he said laughing, "Wait, can I get my camera and make a video for YouTube?"

"Or, how about I make a video of me killing you and put it on YouTube?" Edward threatened.

"I think that would look a little suspicious." Jacob said, smiling. Edward glared at him, not answering.

"Come on Ness," he said covering her eyes as he led her out of the room, "let's go eat."

"Why are they all in their underwear?" I heard Renesmee ask from the dining room.

"I tell you when you're older." Jacob assured her.  
"Over my dead body." Edward mumbled, as he put his clothes back on.

I walked into the dining room to find everything covered in plastic. When I say everything, I mean everything. The table and chairs had been covered, along with every cabinet and flat surface in the room, including the floor.

"Alice," Carlisle asked as he took in the room, "why is all the furniture covered in plastic?"

"Esme will thank me later." she assured him.

"Alice, you don't plan on painting without her permission again do you?"

"Of course not Carlisle. I never want to see that side of Esme again." she said with a shiver.

Carlisle opened his mouth to say something when Alice pulled out a bright yellow poncho and put it on. She then handed one to Rosalie, who dangled it between two fingers as if it was filthy, and Bella, who just looked extremely confused.

"Alice," Carlisle sighed, "why are you wearing ponchos?"  
"Because this is an original Dolce and Gabbana and it cannot get ruined."

"Why would it get ruined?" he asked, obviously suspicious about what she was hiding.

"Because…" she said drawing out the last syllable, "we are going to play out in the rain after dinner."

"Alice," he said, looking at her skeptically.

"What?! Don't judge me, Carlisle!"

"Fine," he said holding up his hands, "I don't want to know."

"Alice, do I have to wear this?" Rosalie asked, still holding the poncho at arm's length.

Alice walked over to her and whispered something in her ear. She narrowed her eyes and threw the poncho over her head.

"Now," I said from my seat at the table, "if everyone has the proper rain gear on, can we please sit down and eat?"

"If you insist." Alice said, smiling as she skipped to her seat.

"Yeah, I'm starving." Emmett said, sitting down and shoveling pasta into his mouth. Two seconds later the pasta fell back out of his mouth and he started gagging and choking. Rosalie slapped him on the back of the head, "Stop it, you idiot!"

"I didn't know it would taste like dirt."

"Emmett, don't do it…" Edward warned, glaring at him.

"Come on Edward, you know you want to."

"No actually, I don't."

"Well, you should. It's not my fault you're a party pooper."

"Enough," Carlisle said from the head of the table, "I want to know what is going on and I want to know now. I want to know why the girls are wearing ponchos, why Edward and Emmett are having a staring contest across the table, and why I am sitting on plastic."

"Well Carlisle, it's because…food fight!" Emmett yelled taking some pasta and throwing it right at Edward's face.

"Emmett…" Edward snarled, wiping the sauce off of his face.

"Yeah, this is what I'm talking about!" Jasper yelled, pelting meatballs at Edward.

"Come on!" Edward yelled as he wiped more sauce off of his face.

"Jasper honey," Alice called from under the table, "take it down a notch, this isn't the Civil War."

"Jasper better hope it's not," Emmett called as he started throwing rolls at Edward, "because if it was he would lose!"

"Oh that's it," Jasper yelled as he looked around the table for something to throw at Emmett, "it's on!"

"Like Donkey Kong!" Emmett shouted back.

"Here Jazz," Alice said as she handed him a super soaker water gun, "I thought you might need this."

"Thank you, darlin'." he said as he pumped and shot at Emmett, covering him in a red liquid. Did she fill that water gun with sauce? Alice knew about this didn't she? I bet they all knew. This is all a part of some evil plan of theirs to drive me crazy!

It was a short food fight, only lasting about five minutes, but every place imaginable was covered with spaghetti. Everyone stood there looking at each other, stumped as to what to do next.

Renesmee, taken aside by Jacob to avoid getting hit in the crossfire, was laughing hysterically and said, "That was fun, let's do it again!"

"Hell yeah baby girl!" Emmett said high-fiving Renesmee.

Most of the mess had been between the boys, with Emmett and Jasper covered in spaghetti and Edward, apparently the main target, dripping from head to toe in sauce. Rosalie had managed to not get anything on her while Emmett had poured sauce down Bella's back.

Alice shook the pasta out of her hair and said to Carlisle, "You're welcome."

Carlisle just shook his head and said, "Children, go to bed, now."

He is going to let them go to bed after they have made this mess? He isn't going to yell at them or discipline them?

"Children," Carlisle said as they began to make their way out of the room, "go hose each other off in the yard first."

"Carlisle, don't you think they should clean up this mess?" I asked in disbelief. If Ashley and Adam ever pulled something like this they would be grounded forever.

"I have found in the past that if they try to clean it up you will only find a bigger mess."

**AN: Thanks so much to everyone who reads and reviews this for me. Please continue I really like hearing what you have to say!**


	15. Peeing On a Stick

**AN: See I told you it would be up shortly. This chapter also is short but they didn't fit together that well and I really wanted to stop this one where I did so you get two short chapters which equal the length of one long chapter. Isn't math fun! Enjoy!**

Alice's POV

"Aw man! I got lost in the gumdrop forest again!" Emmett whined as he put his card at the bottom of the pile.

It was the morning after the food fight and we were all sitting in the living room playing the age appropriate game of Candy Land for the millionth time with Ness. This game was one of the very few that Cathy had deemed appropriate for her even though the box clearly stated that it was for ages four and up. I mean, all you have to do is match the colors for crying out loud!

"Alice," said Edward, "calm down, it's a children's game."

"But it's so annoying." Emmett complained, "Are you fucking kidding me?!" he yelled as he drew the 'go back to start' card for the fifth time during this game.

"Emmett!" Everyone yelled at him at the same time.

"Jinx!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, "You owe me a soda."

"Alice you don't drink soda." Edward pointed out the painfully obvious fact.

"Shut up Edward, you ruin all the fun."

"Come on, this is like the tenth time I have gotten this card."

"So, that doesn't give you permission to say the fuck in front of Nessie." Rosalie said as she advanced to the nearest purple space.

"Rosalie, you just said it." Edward pointed out.

"Shut up, Edward, no one likes you."

"What does that have to do with saying the word fuck in front of Nessie?"

"Edward, you just said it." Laughed Bella.

"Okay," Jasper said, "starting now, no one can say the word fuck, ok?"

I was about to pick up my card when all of a sudden I had a vision.

"Alice, what did you just see?" Edward vampire whispered to me. "And don't say it's nothing, because you don't usually think about elephants eating your husband."

Jasper stared at me in disbelief.

"What. The. Fuck." he said slowly.

"Jasper," Emmett laughed, "you just said the f word in front of Ness."

"Sorry Jazzy, it was the first thing that popped into my head. Emmett, do it now." As so as I said it he was gone. He came back in the room shooting a paintball gun at Edward.

He hit Edward in the chest with paintballs for a solid five minutes before he stopped.

"You done?" Edward asked

"Not yet." Emmett said shooting another paintball at Edward, "Now I am."

"Good, because you better run."

Emmett dropped his paintball gun and ran from the room, followed by Edward. Edward apparently chased him through the whole house because they came running back into the room minutes later, Edward without a shirt and Emmett missing a shoe.

I heard a gasp from upstairs and everyone turned to look at me, "She found it." I said as big smiles stretched across everyone's faces.

"Jacob, take Ness upstairs." Edward ordered.

"Come on, why do I always miss the good stuff." Jacob whined as he picked Ness up and carried her up the stairs.

"Bella," Cathy screamed as she made her way down the stairs, "would you care to explain to me what this is."

"It's a pregnancy test you moron." Rosalie said, before she went back to making out with Emmett.

"I was asking Bella."

"How do you know it's mine?" Bella asked.

"I found it in your bathroom."

"Oh." Bella said as she hung her head.

"Wait, what was Bella doing with a pregnancy test?" Edward asked sounding all alarmed.

"You didn't tell him yet?" Cathy asked almost shocked

"She's not sure yet if he's the father." I spoke up as I went to give Bella a hug.

"What?!" Cathy screamed, turning an unhealthy shade of red.

"No--" Bella intervened before Cathy would die from lack of oxygen in her brain.

"Oh please," Rosalie said as she got up from straddling Emmett, "everyone knows it's Edward's."

"Yeah, I mean, they go at it like every night, how would it be even possible for Bella to cheat on Eddie-boy here."

"Trust me," said Jasper, while concentrating on the emotions in the room, "they're intense."

"Edward and Bella sittin in a tree, K-I-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in the baby carriage," Emmett sang. "Though I guess for you guys the baby comes before marriage." he laughed, earning a smack from Rosalie.

"Emmett, that's not how you spell kissing." Jasper pointed out.

"I know." Emmett said folding his arms across his chest. He then started mumbling to himself: "k-i-s-i-n-g…k-i-s-s?-i-n-g...k-i-s…"

"Sure you do." Rosalie said, kissing his forehead.

"Watch out, we have a brain surgeon on our hands." Jasper laughed as took a seat on the sofa.

"This is no laughing matter. I'm going to go call your father."

We exchanged a round of high-fives as she ran into the kitchen to call Carlisle.

"That was so good I can't believe we pulled it off." Bella exclaimed giving Edward a peck on the lips.

"Alice, how did you find pregnant woman pee?" Emmett asked me.

"Don't ask." I said, smiling to myself. That's a story for another day.

"Well," I said loud enough so Cathy would hear me in the kitchen, "I guess it's time we go to school."

"Yes," Rosalie agreed, "we wouldn't want to be late."

"But I thought--Ow!" Emmett began before Jasper punched him in the arm.

I gave him the 'shut your mouth before I kill you' look and we headed for the garage.

"So, where to Alice?" Rosalie asked from the driver's seat.

"I don't know. Surprise me."

**AN: Thanks so much for ready and please review! Tell me what you thought of the chapter and what you would like to see happen next. I have some great ideas but I always love to hear what you guys have to say!**


	16. School Days

**AN: Yay next chapter! This chapter is really just for fun, nothing important happens. I think the end is hilarious though if I do say so myself. :) Enjoy!**

Cathy's POV

After the children left for school I went to go find Renesmee. I had never homeschooled anyone before but I figured it couldn't be that hard since she was only ten. I found her playing, what sounded like, a complicated piece on the piano.

"Renesmee," I called to her as I came into the room, "it's time to start your schoolwork."

"I know." she said as she continued to play.

"Well could you please stop playing so we could get started?"

"This is my first lesson. Daddy says that music is very important."

"Did your daddy teach you to play?" I asked. I couldn't really see Carlisle as the musician type but it wouldn't surprise me if he did know how.

She hesitated for a second over the keys before picking up where she left off and said, "No, Edward taught me."

As she finished her song she hopped off the bench and said, "Time for math. I'll go get the pie."

I was about to go find out what she was doing when the phone rang.

"Hello?" I asked into the phone.

"Hello Mrs. Cullen. I was wondering why Alice, Bella, Edward, Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie are not in school today."

"Excuse me?" I asked in disbelief. I was sure I had heard her wrong. They went to school. I saw them leave. They had their books and backpacks, they went to school. Or did they?

"Your children didn't show up for homeroom today and we just need to know why." They were trying to trick me again! I am going to have to teach these children a lesson.

"Oh yes, I'm sorry. They weren't feeling well so I let them stay home. I must have forgotten to call." They were going to get it.

At three o'clock I heard cars pull in and waited for the delinquents to come inside. I heard whispering behind the door before it swung open and all of the Cullens filed in. All of them had shopping bags. So this is where they were. They skipped school and went to the mall. You think they would at least be smart enough to hide the evidence. Edward and Bella came in first, holding hands as he whispered something to her that made her laugh. They were followed by Rosalie, carrying only one bag, as she inspected her nails. Emmett barreled in, with what I assumed were Rosalie's other bags, followed by Alice who was walking backwards yelling, "Walk straight, straight, straight, TURN! Straight, straight, straight…" to Jasper who had so many bags in his arms that he couldn't see over them and therefore needed Alice's instructions. They all came and settled down in the living room, sorting the bags into piles.

When they were through I said, "I got a call from school today. Why did you skip school to go to the mall?"

"We didn't." Alice said as she lifted out a pair of shoes and examined them.

"Them where were you?" They had over thirty shopping bags spread out across the room. Did they really think I was stupid enough to believe that they went to school?

"England." What?! They left the country?! I find this very hard to believe. If they were going to lie they should at least make it convincing.

"England? How did you get to England?"

"In the family jet." Alice said as if I was crazy.

"You have your own jet?" I asked incredulous. Of course they have their own jet. Why not? These children apparently have everything.

"Of course." Edward answered with a slight smirk on his face.

"I thought I told you children no shopping." At least I had them on that.

"Like that was going to happen." Bella said with a laugh.

"Yeah," Emmett chimed in, "Alice can't go a day without shopping." So I can see.

"I thought I took away your credit cards how did you pay for all of this?"

"Money." Emmett laughed, "What else would you pay in peanuts?...Though that would be so awesome!" That boy is so simple minded. I heard Edward snort and looked over to see him whispering something to Bella that made her giggle.

"And Carlisle's credit card." Alice added, her head inside an enormous Burberry bag.

"What?! I thought he understood that there was not supposed to be any shopping this week."  
"Yeah, but I told him it was an emergency."

"Well, what was the emergency?" A fashion emergency? How stupid can Carlisle be? He's a doctor for crying out loud! He's supposed to be smart! How can he let his kids run amuck like this?!

"Duh, Bella's fat now, she needs new clothes." And we are back to the 'Bella's fat' excuse.

"Alice…" Edward growled

"It's the truth Edward you might as well get used to it."

"So I am supposed to believe that all of this was necessary for Bella?" They had over thirty bags here and last time I checked GameStop was not selling maternity clothing.

"We may have made a few extra stops along the way."

"May have or did?"

They didn't have a chance to answer because at that moment the front door burst open.

"Ugh!" Jacob yelled as he slammed the front door closed. "I hate college! It's so stupid! Who needs to know what mitosis is?! I don't! That is never going to come up in my life!"

"So," Bella laughed, "how was school Jacob?"

"I don't want to talk about it." he huffed as he sat down on the couch.

"Hey, you went shopping?" he asked as he noticed the enormous pile of bags in the middle of the room. "I thought you got your--" he stopped mid-sentence and nodded his head in realization, "Carlisle."

"Yup!" Alice said as she sifted through a substantially smaller pile of shopping bags.

"And what did you get me?" he asked in a sing songy voice.

"A new Armani suit since you so nicely ripped your old one beyond repair and some new Diesel shirts. They are not out in stores yet so don't ruin them." she threatened as she threw three bags out of the pile to him.

"I'll try my best."

"Jakey!" Renesmee yelled as she wrapped her arms around his legs.

"Hey Nessie," he said as he picked her up, "how was your day?"

"Not good," she said with a frown. "She made me do baby stuff all day."

"Like what?"

"Read a beginner's chapter book," she said wrinkling her nose just like Rosalie, "and she didn't even let me do my math with food like you do!"

"You're right, that is outrageous." Jacob said in mock seriousness. "We'll just have to go into the kitchen now and do some fraction work with the pie."

"You just want to eat pie." Bella corrected him.

"Maybe, but I might as well make it educational." he said as he lifted Renesmee onto his shoulders and left the room.

"I'm bored," Emmett said no more than thirty seconds later, "Jazz, let's play some BATTLESHIP!" he shouted as if he was introducing a wrestling match.

"You do mean the board game, right?" I asked. You could never be sure with this family. I've learned that from the time I've been here. I didn't need to find out that they were somewhere in the Pacific torpedoing ships.

"Duh, what did you think we were going to do, go find real battleships and sink them?" Emmett asked as if I had just proposed the most outrageous idea.

"I have learned that with you children I need to make sure to clarify everything." I said as I left the room to go start on dinner.

Edward's POV

When Emmett and Jasper decided to play Battleship I sat on the sofa with Bella and waited for the show to start. Emmett was never good at games that involved strategy. Not that he was particularly good at any game anyway. They had barely been playing for two minutes when Jasper sunk Emmett's first ship.

"God Jasper, why are you so good at this?!" Emmett whined as he failed again to even hit one of Jasper's ships.

"Emmett no offense, and no offense to Ness for that matter, but she could beat you at this game. You suck."

"Do not." Emmett said, entering pout mode.

"Oh yeah? How about the time you put all of your ships in a straight line? Or how about the time when you made a giant 'E' for Emmett with the ships? Or how about--"

"Ok God, I get it. Can we just get back to the game?"

"Fine. How about a1?"

"Ha!" Emmett yelled triumphant, "you missed one."

_'Playing Edward?' _Jasper asked me in his mind. I nodded my head ever so slightly so he knew I heard him and then tuned into Emmett's thoughts.

_'Don't pick c1, don't pick c1, don't pick c1…'_ Emmett was never good at concealing his thoughts. It was just too easy for me to feed Jasper the answers, besides the fact that I could see his board from where I sat.

"Hey Jasper," I said pulling a notebook from Bella's bag for show, "I need a pencil do you see one?"

"No I don't Edward sorry," he said in one of those bad acting voices, "but you could look in my bag. Emmett," he said immediately speaking in a serious tone, "c1."

"Damn it Jasper, you sunk another ship!"

The game progressed in the same fashion, getting more ridiculous as it went.

"Hey Jasper, did you know there are five benanas in the kitchen?"

"What?!" Jasper said in surprise, "That is ridiculous. How did Jacob not eat them all yet?"

"I don't know." I answered in a tone just as shocked.

"Who cares about bananas?!" Emmett yelled, "Can we get back to the game please?"

"Okay," Jasper agreed, "b5."

"Ugh!" Emmett threw his ship across the room as Jasper sunk the last one.

_Damn! How is he so good? Look at him sitting there with that smirk. He thinks he's all that and a bag of chips. It is like he can read my mind or--Edward._

Oh shit.

**AN: Haha, Edward is in trouble! Hope everyone enjoyed this chapter. I hope to have the next one out shortly. Please review and tell me what you think and what else you would like to read about in it.**


	17. Dinner and a Show

**AN: Let me start off by saying I am so so so so sooooo sorry that this took so long to post. I have been insanely busy for the past couple of weeks doing more things than I could handle. Now they are over and since Christmas break is coming up I have more time to write. The beginning of this chapter has been sitting on my computer forever but I was never able to finish it. Finally I did and I tried to make it a little longer since you had to wait so long for it. Anyway, hope you all enjoy the chapter and thank you so much for being patient with me! :)**

Cathy's POV

"Dinner's ready." I called to those animals that are considered children. For my mental health I could not wait until this show was over. I needed to get back to my well behaved, quiet and color coordinated schedule children. I have tried my hardest but I cannot get through to these rambunctious children. There never seems to be one quiet moment in this house.

As if on cue they stampeded into the dining room arguing about multiple things at the same time.

"Come on I could totally beat you at Call of Duty and you know it." Emmett exclaimed.

"Not so fast my brother, I think you're forgetting that I have a little more experience than you do." said Jasper.

"We will have to see about that." Emmett challenged

"I don't want to eat." Bella whined while holding onto Edward, "I'm not hungry."

"Bella," Alice said while standing on a chair to gain height over her, "you have to eat so you and the baby have proper nutrition."

"She's not pregnant Alice." Edward huffed throwing his hands into the air.

"So is, Eddie my man." Emmett yelled clapping Edward on the back before turning back to his argument with Jasper.

"Don't call me that." Edward growled at him smacking him in the back of the head. Emmett responded by tripping Edward, who fell face first onto the floor.

"Emmett," Bella yelled as she smacked him on the arm, "don't hurt him."

"Alice," Rosalie butted in, "let her skip a meal so that she will lose some of that weight."

"It doesn't work that way."

'Shut up Jasper."

"Don't yell at my Jazzy!" Alice shrieked turning on her chair to glare at Rosalie.

"Did I just walk in on a cat fight?!" Jacob laughed as he entered with Renesmee on his back.

"Shut up dog, no one likes you."

"Watch it Blondie or I just might have to infect you with my fleas."

"You're disgusting."

"Whoa," Emmett said, coming to put his arm around Rosalie, "did I just hear Edward has fleas?"

"What?" Edward yelled from the ground, where Bella was trying to calm him down, "I do not have fleas. Emmett you're such a liar!"

Edward then tackled Emmett and they started wrestling for what was, I'm going to estimate, the fifth time today.

A sharp whistle blew out and everyone turned to find Carlisle in the doorway.

"I thought I heard Cathy say that dinner was ready? Is this how we have dinner?"

"Well…" Emmett began from his seat on top of Edward's chest but was cut off by a sharp "Emmett" from Carlisle.

"Sit down, all of you." All of them immediately obeyed and quietly took their seats at the table.

"So," Carlisle began while scooping some peas onto his plate, "would anyone like to tell me how their day went?"

There was silence as everyone suddenly became immensely interested in their food. Taking advantage of their silence I began to speak.

"Carlisle, today the children skipped school and went gallivanting across the country." Wow, I had never thought I would have to say that.

He looked up from his plate and asked, "Is this true?"

There were muttering made up of 'well' 'yeah' and 'kind of' until Emmett proclaimed, "Well technically Carlisle, we weren't gallivanting across the country. We were gallivanting across Europe."

"Emmett!" Rosalie hissed as everyone else either shook their heads or smacked their hand's against their foreheads.

"You went to Europe?" Carlisle asked in disbelief.

"I went to school." Jacob said proudly as he wolfed down his food, "but only because they didn't tell me that they were skipping." he finished glaring across the table.

"Carlisle, to be fair you said I could get some clothes for Bella." Alice spoke up with an innocent smile on her face.

"I meant at the local mall Alice not the Gucci in Paris."

"Well technically the Gucci was in--"

"Not now Alice." Edward interrupted, seeing that she was going to push him too far.

"Is there anything else you did today I should be aware of?"

"Um," Emmett began, "we may have broken the coffee table."

"We?" Alice glared at him.

"Ok fine, I broke it."

"How did it break?" Carlisle sighed.

"I landed on it." He broke a table by landing on it?! I'm surprised these boys don't have concussions from all of the things they slam into.

"Why did you land on it?" It seemed as if these questions were routine for him.

"Because Edward threw me at it." Emmett pointed a finger across the table at Edward.

"Only because he was on top of me." Edward calmly defended himself.

"Emmett, why were you on top of Edward?"

"Because I'm awesome and he can't beat my strength." Emmett smiled, showing off his muscles. Edward snorted and folded his arms across his chest.

"I don't think that was the answer he was looking for." Jasper laughed.

"He was on top of me because he attacked me." Edward clarified, glaring at Emmett.

"Why did he attack you?" Carlisle asked, turning his line of questioning to Edward.

"He claims I cheated." Edward answered as if the idea was ridiculous.

"You did cheat." Emmett yelled.

"How?" Carlisle asked Edward.

"I can't answer that." Edward replied while shifting awkwardly in his seat.

"Edward, you should know better." Carlisle reprimanded.

"I'm sorry Carlisle." Edward apologized, hanging his head.

I felt like I was watching a tennis match as my head moved from one side of the table to the other, listening to their conversation. These children seemed to have an answer to every question Carlisle threw at them. It was as if they were playing a game of who could outsmart the other first. They started off with the problem but were then able to manipulate the conversation into an entirely different direction.

"I am very disappointed in all of you. You should know better than to take advantage of our current situation. As your punishment you will be staying home tomorrow. You will not leave this house. No school, no shopping, and no adventures to other continents."

What?! He is letting them stay home from school?! How is that a punishment?!

"Carlisle," Emmett laughed, "how is that a punishment? You are letting us skip school with your permission." I had to agree with Emmett. The only person he is punishing is me.

"You may be skipping school but you are all under house arrest with no means to entertain yourselves. Sooner rather than later you will become very bored."

"We accept your challenge." Alice said with a huge smile on her face.

Alice's POV

"5, 6, 7, 8!" Emmett yelled, hitting his drumsticks together.

I turned up the amplifiers and maxed out the volume so that the house seemed to shake with the noise.

"What is going on down here?" Cathy yelled as she stumbled down the stairs. We had clearly woke her up since she was still in her ugly flannel pajamas with a seriously bad case of bed head.

"We are starting our own band." Emmett sang, while playing the drums.

"And then we are competing against each other to see who is better." I explained to her since I am sure this crazy woman has never heard of Guitar Hero, Rock Band or any other Battle of the Bands game.

"Emmett's Crew is so going to win!" Emmett yelled while banging on his drums.

"Why?" She asked looking thoroughly confused.

"Because we are awesome!" Emmett yelled again throwing his fist into the air. He really needs to learn how to use his inside voice.

"I think she meant why we are making a band." Jasper said into the microphone, his voice echoing back at us.

"And we never agreed on the name Emmett's Crew." Edward pointed out.

"Well I am the drummer so I get to pick the name." said Emmett, still banging away.

"That is the stupidest reasoning I have ever heard." said Edward, putting his guitar down.

"No its not." Emmett retorted, standing up, "You're just mad because I called dibs before you could."

"Do you really want to do that Emmett?" Edward asked as he too stood up. According to my vision Emmett would decide who got to name the band by whoever won the wrestling match.

"You know I do." Emmett walked over to Edward until they were nose to nose. Cathy, apparently realizing that they were going to get into another fight, decided to step in.

"Boys, calm down both of you. Now would someone please answer my question as to why you are creating this band?"

"Because you took away Rock Band."

"Rock what?"

"Rock Band." Emmett repeated as if she was an idiot for not knowing what it was. "The most awesome band simulation game ever!"

"Never heard of it."

"Shocker there." You've gotta love Rosalie's sarcasm.

"Focus people!" I shouted to the room at large. "We have to finish this video so we can move on to our next project."

"Video?" Cathy asked, "What video?"

"The video we are making to show Carlisle that we can have fun and will not get bored while under house arrest." Bella answered from her spot on the sofa next to Edward.

"Okay, well I'm going to leave you to that." Cathy said as she made her way back up the stairs. Good look getting any more sleep. This house will be so loud it will be insane.

"Emmett, is the camera on?" I asked, turning my attention back to the plan.

Emmett walked over to the camera and hit the record button, "Now it is."

"Okay guys, remember to look like we are having fun and are not bored--"

"I'm bored." Edward remarked as he played with Bella's hair.

"Shut up Edward, no one cares what you think." said Rosalie. In response, Edward threw a pillow at her head.

"Guys!" I whined, placing myself in between Edward and the pillow that Rosalie was planning on throwing back at him. "We have to get along. If Carlisle sees that we were fighting with each other he will think he has won and that cannot happen. I don't feel like editing this video for hours so Emmett watch the language and stick to what we talked about. And…action!"

"Hey Carlisle!" Emmett yelled, his face right in front of the camera, "We have accepted your challenge and to prove to you that we can get along for a day we are making this video."

"The first thing we are going to do," I said, pushing Emmett away from the camera so I could be seen, "is make our own band."

"Since the mean woman took away our video games!" Emmett interjected, jumping into my shot.

I shoved him away and continued, "As I was saying, since we don't have any video games we decided to adapt some video games to real life. The first one being Rock Band. Team 1 is Emmett, Bella and Edward and Team 2 is me, Rosalie and Jazz. Up first is Team 1."

"Also known as Emmett's Crew!"

"Emmett, we are not calling it that." Edward said with an eye roll.  
"Guys, we are still recording." said Bella, while looking from the camera to the fight that was about to break out.

"We're supposed to be having fun."

"Will both of you shut up who cares what you call your stupid band." Rosalie yelled, as she sat down on the sofa.

"Yeah, it doesn't matter because you're going to lose to Whitlock's Army anyway." said Jasper.

"Excuse me? We are not calling ourselves Whitlock's Army." Rosalie said, looking up from the CD's she had been sifting through.

"I thought you just said it didn't matter, Rose." Edward said with a smirk on his face.

"Shut up Edward."

"Jazz, do something." I whispered to him, no longer worried that Carlisle would see us fighting but the whole world since there were still television cameras in our house.

"I'm trying Alice, really." he whispered back.

"I've got an idea." I ran over to microphone and screamed into it as loud and as high as I could. It worked. Everyone immediately threw their hands over their ears and looked in my direction.

"What the hell Alice?"

"Yeah, what gives?" Emmett shouted with his hands still over his ears.

"Emmett, you can take your hands off your ears now." said Bella.

"I needed you all to shut up and stop fighting so we could continue with our game. Now, to settle the name situation, since you two are too childish to let the teams be 1 and 2, they will be called, Bella, Edward and Emmett, BEE, for short--"

"Wait one minute," Emmett yelled, "Why does Edward's name get to be before mine?"

"Emmett…" Rosalie threatened.

"Nevermind," he said putting his hands up in surrender, "it doesn't even matter."

"That's what I thought. Now as I was saying, Jazz, me, and Rose will be JAR."

"Bee jar? Really Alice?"

"It was the best acronym I could come up with. Now shut up, and let's play!"

Cathy's POV

The noise continued for three hours. By nine o'clock they were done with their band practice and had retreated to their bedrooms upstairs. God only knows what they are up to now.

**AN: Thanks so much for reading. Please review and tell me what you think. Feel free to leave ideas because I am actually starting to run low :( I promise there is more Esme coming and I did not forget about her. It is just more fun to write for the Cullen house and a lot of the chapters happen in the same day so I was doing it for continuity purposes. I promise this time more is coming shortly because I plan on writing it right after I post this! Thanks again and please review.**


	18. Final Plan of Attack

**AN: ****Well that was the biggest lie I ever told. I said that this next chapter would come out quickly and obviously it did not. So once again I am so sorry times a million for making everyone wait so long. Enjoy!**

Bella's POV

"Okay people, it's now or never we have to attack now." Alice whisper-yelled as she slammed her fist into her palm. We were once again in her closet, hidden behind clothes to muffle our voices.

"Alice, are you sure this is a good idea?" I was more than a little nervous right now.

"Of course it is. This could go down as one of our best pranks ever!" She said, bouncing in her seat.

"It's just, what if something goes wrong. I know she's a bitch but--"

"Bella, she thinks you are some temptress sent to bring Edward to his knees."

"Which is really quite ironic--"

"Emmett." Alice whipped her head around to look at him.

"Well it is…" he said shrugging his shoulders.

"Not now, we have to focus." Alice said glaring at him.

"Let's take this sucker down." Emmett said as he tried to untangle himself from the clothing and stand up.

"She won't know what hit her." Rosalie smirked evilly.

"Rose, you do know that you have to make it look like an accident, right?"

"Details," Rosalie dismissed Alice's statement with a wave of her hand.

"Maybe Rosalie isn't the best person to do this." Edward suggested, obviously hearing her murderous thoughts toward Cathy.

"Edward Cullen," Rosalie growled as she grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, "I will rip you apart and burn the pieces if you take this away from me."

"Don't worry Rose baby, no one will take this away from you." Emmett said hesitantly reaching out to release Rosalie's grasp on Edward's shirt.

Jasper stood, "Let's do this."

"Someone is going to lose an eye." Edward said shaking his head as he smoothed out his shirt.

"Okay everyone, get in your positions." Alice said, smiling as wide as the Cheshire Cat.

Cathy's POV

It's quiet…to quiet.

"Bombs away!" Oh dear God.

I heard screaming as I ran to the stairs to find the girls soaking wet. Hair wet, mascara running, and clothing soaked, they were jumping up and down, flailing their arms around as the boys threw water balloons at their heads from the upstairs landing. Puddles of water began to form around the girls' feet as the boys continued their assault.

"Now for the mother of all water balloons…"

"Take this suckers!" Emmett yelled, as he rolled, the biggest water balloon I have ever seen, over the railing.

The balloon landed right on Rosalie's head, sending mass amounts of water everywhere.

"Dude, why did you aim for Rosalie she is going to kill you." Jasper yelled at Emmett as Rosalie let out a blood curdling scream and pushed her hair off her face.

"I believe that is a point for us." Edward smirked as he leaned over the railing.

"One point for the We Are Awesomeists and zero points for the Pretty Pretty Princesses." Emmett laughed. Awesomeist? These children have horrible grammar.

The boys gave each other triumphant high fives before they disappeared behind closed doors. The girls continued to stand their stomping their feet in the pools of water.

"Alice," Rosalie yelled after the boys were gone, "how did we not know about this?"

"I don't know, I'm sorry. It must have been a spontaneous decision."

"And they just happened to find hundreds of water balloons lying around the house?"

"Rosalie's right," Bella agreed while wringing out her hair, "they planned this." Well isn't she a bright little girl…of course those delinquents planned it! I really have to talk to Carlisle about how much school he lets his children miss.

"So you know what we have to do now, right?" Alice said with an evil smile on her face.

"Beat the shit out of them." Rosalie suggested

"No, it's time to bring out the big guns."

They all smiled at each other and ran to the garage. I have a feeling that this is not going to end well.

Alice's POV

We ran soaking wet into the garage to find the boys already waiting there with towels.

"Hey thanks guys for telling us about that part of the plan." Rosalie said sarcastically as she snatched a towel from Emmett.

"Sorry but we had to give Edward more time to look for the key." Jasper apologized

"And besides, we wanted it to look convincing." Emmett laughed as he threw me and Bella a towel.

"I'm sure."

"So, I'm guessing you found the key?" Bella asked as she wrapped the towel around her now ruined hair that I had worked so hard on.

"Carlisle's office, top shelf, fifth book, page 291." Edward said as he held up a shiny silver key.

"He kept it in a book?"

"Where do you think I keep the key to my safe?" said Emmett.

"You have a safe?" Bella asked skeptically.

"You have a book?" Jasper asked even more skeptically.

"No, actually it's your book." Emmett smiled as he picked up his paintball gun and made his way outside.

Cathy's POV

When they said 'big guns' I thought it was an expression but apparently they actually had big guns. I was in the kitchen making myself a sandwich when I heard what sounded like gunshots being fired outside. Something hit the window and I ran over to see it covered in what looked like blood. At the same time Emmett shouted, "I've been hit!"

I screamed and ran outside. The children were playing with guns? Where did they even get guns?

"What are you doing?" I yelled as I saw them all standing around the yard with large guns in their hands, each pointing at a different person.

"The war isn't over." Jasper said shifting his gaze from Alice to me and then back to Alice.

"Oh yes it is! You can't just go around shooting your siblings. Who shot you?" I asked Emmett as he stood up, his shirt covered in blood.

"Rosie." he smirked "that girl has some damn good aim." I should have known.

"This game is over. Alice, go call your father and tell him what's happened while--"

"Why?" she asked, tilting her head to the side.

"Because your brother has just been shot and we need to get him to the hospital." Why are these children so dense?

"You don't send someone to the hospital because they got shot with a paintball."

"A what?"

"A paintball." she said slowly, shaking her gun at me.

"But you're bleeding."

"No it's just Rosalie's color." Emmett said as he held up his shirt showing that there was no bullet hole in his chest.

"What?" I was beyond confused now.

"Everyone has a different color so we know who hit who." Alice explained.

"And so Esme knows who ruined her furniture." Jasper mumbled under his breath.

"Rosalie is red, Jasper green, Edward blue, Bella pink--"

"Because every other color was already taken." Bella cut in bitterly.

Alice rolled her eyes continuing, "I'm yellow, like my Porsche. Emmett's--"

"Orange, like my awesomeness." This time it was Emmett who interrupted Alice.

"Why is your awesomeness orange?" Edward asked him.

"Who even said you have awesomeness?" Bella asked Emmett, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, I think we should get a point for that verbal burn." Alice laughed giving Bella a high five.

"I so do have awesomeness." Emmett pouted, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Sure you do Em." Edward reassured him, patting him on the back.

"Anyway," Alice said, bringing the attention back to her, "we are in the middle of a war and the score is currently six for Armed and Fabulous—"

"Seven, if you count the verbal burn." Bella reminded her.

"Ah yes, seven for Armed and Fabulous and four for the Chuckleheads."

"Not for long..." Emmett threatened as he loaded his gun. "Go before I unleash Jasper on you."

"Um children, I don't think you should be playing with guns."

"Why?" Bella asked, sincerely looking confused as to why paintball guns could harm people.

"Someone could get hurt."

"Fine, if it makes you happy we will use Nerf guns instead." Alice chirped, throwing her gun to Jasper, who swiftly caught it, before she skipped off toward the garage.

"It would make me happy if you didn't play with guns at all."

"Well, that's not going to happen." Rosalie scoffed as she turned and made her way to the garage, followed by the others.

An hour ago there was a full on war between the boys and the girls happening in the backyard. Now it's quiet again as I do the laundry.

"What are you doing?" I screamed, frightened to find Bella and Edward in the hall closet.

"Bella," Alice screeches coming up behind me, "no fraternizing with the enemy."

"I think they're doing more than fraternizing." Emmett laughed.

Glaring, Edward picked up his Nerf gun and shot Emmett in the head. The little bullet bounced off Emmett's forehead and landed on the floor at his feet.

"You deserved that one." laughed Alice.

"Sneak attack!" Jasper yelled as he came charging into the room with Rosalie, shooting paintballs everywhere. I thought I told them they couldn't use those. Alice jumped behind Emmett's massive frame to avoid getting hit while Emmett took three straight to the chest. The paintballs that missed went sailing across the room, hitting the sofa, wall and a vase that shattered. Alice ran off, quickly returning with three guns, giving one to Emmett and Bella while shooting hers at Rosalie.

"Edward." Jasper threw him a paintball gun upon seeing him cornered by Bella in the closet.

"Bella," Emmett yelled, dramatically tumbling across the floor to hide behind the sofa, "stop trying to seduce Edward and give us a hand."

Bella momentarily stopped kissing Edward to glare at Emmett then shot Edward in the chest saying, "There, you happy?" before going back to kissing Edward.

"No, this is how you shoot the enemy." Emmett said before shooting Edward in the crotch.

"Emmett!" Bella yelled before turning her attention back to Edward, "Baby, are you okay?"

"One minute love, I have to go destroy my brother." he said charging toward Emmett, who leapt over the sofa and picked up the coffee table, using it as a shield.

I don't know what happened but Emmett yelled "It's on like Donkey Kong!" and within two minutes all hell broke loose with paintballs flying everywhere. After several attempts to stop the fighting I retreated into the kitchen to call Carlisle. If anyone, he would know how to control these hooligans.

While I dialed the phone Alice let out a high pitched shriek followed by, "This is a one of a kind Gucci and you completely ruined it!"

"Suck it up, you ruined my Versace."

I heard Emmett do some type of battle cry followed by a crash as I tapped my fingers impatiently waiting for Carlisle to pick up.

"Dr. Cullen speaking how may I--"

"Carlisle, I need you home immediately. The children have gone crazy." I shouted into the phone not even letting him finish.

"Cathy, I have a surgery in two hours and I highly doubt they are 'going crazy.'"

Just then Bella screamed louder than what I thought was humanly possible, "I'm gonna kill you Rosalie Hale!"

"Um Cathy," Carlisle hesitated before continuing, "they wouldn't happen to have the paintball guns do they?"

"Yes, they claim they are playing this game called war and--"

"Shit, I thought I locked them up." he quickly mumbled under his breath before saying, "I'll be home right away." and hung up the phone.

Alice's POV

"Now for the final task…" This is going to be amazing.

"I don't think so Alice." Carlisle?! Why is he here? He isn't supposed to be home till seven. The plan is ruined!

"You think?!" Edward said in that mocking tone of his. If I want to cry dramatically in my mind, Edward, that is none of your business.

"It was actually directed at Emmett but it would have worked for you as well." Edward smirked

"Carlisle, please," Rosalie begged, "let me do this." Wow, Rose never begs. This is serious.  
"Rosalie, someone could get hurt." So? He is a doctor, he could fix whatever happens.

"That would only be an added benefit."

"No, Rosalie."

"But--" She started to protest but it was no use, he had already decided.

"I said no." He turned to the rest of us and continued, "There shall be no more scheming, fighting, arguing, sabotaging, wrestling, breaking of furniture, sword fighting, balloons filled with liquid or guns of any kind."

"What about--" Emmett began before Carlisle cut him off with a stern "No."

"But you don't even know what I was going to say." Emmett pouted.

"I'm sure whatever it is it is still a 'no'."

Just then Jacob walked in the door. Looking around he saw the paint covering us and the whole first floor of the house. "You had a paintball war without me? You guys are the worst." He started to make his way upstairs when Carlisle asked, 'Jacob, would you go get Nessie out of the car please."

"Sure, why is she in the car?"

"I wanted to make sure that she wouldn't be walking into a war zone. Now I want all of you to go outside and hose yourselves off."

"Can't we just--"

"Go hose off." He said pointing towards the door. We all quietly filed outside while Carlisle stood leaning against the railing rubbing his forehead with his hand.

Cathy's POV

The children weren't even outside for a minute before the fighting started again.

"I'm hosing off first."

"No, give it to me."

"Gotta jump for it shorty."

"Emmett, you idiot, you are making mud."

"Mud wrestling!"

"I'm not going to wrestle you in--Carlisle!"

"Give me my pants."

"Only if you give me my shirt."

"Emmett, put your damn pants back on."

"I can't Rosalie has them."

"What the hell?"

"Sorry Jake."

"Hey, watch Nessie."

"Sorry Nessie."

"Why is everyone in their underwear?!"

"You got mud in my hair!"

"Run Jasper, save yourself."

"Carlisle!"

"Carlisle!"

"Carlisle!"

I can't wait to go home tomorrow.

**AN: Well, I hope it was worth the wait and once again I am so sorry it took so long. Please review and tell me what you think. The next chapter will be Esme so feel free to give me some ideas. Thanks for reading :)**


	19. Party At the Clyne House!

**AN: Hey guys I'm not even going to waste the space trying to tell you how sorry I am. I really appreciate you guys sticking with me though and I promise to update soon. Sorry this chapter is short but it's an Esme chapter! Enjoy!**

**Esme's POV**

Chicken, carrots, potatoes…I was mentally double checking that I had purchased everything I would need for dinner. Tonight would be my last night in the Clyne household. Though I would miss the children I couldn't be happier to head back to my dear Carlisle and the kids whom I have missed so much. I really feel like I have made a difference in this family's life, even if it was a small one….What in the world?

The street is so jammed packed with cars I can barely get through; someone must be throwing an awfully big party. As I carefully maneuvered my way down the street the music got louder. It was the kind of music that Emmett listened to when he wanted to annoy Edward, the kind of music that made everything vibrate. Oh no, please don't tell me... I drove closer and closer to the Clyne house at the end of the road and new without question that it was the source of the noise. I decided to park the car in the middle of the road, since there was no way to get it into the driveway much less the garage, and hurried inside. The front door was wide open and I quickly squeezed myself through the narrow hall of people to find Adam. I found him in the kitchen filling plastic cups full of beer. Where do children even get beer these days?

I walked up right behind him and said, "Adam."

"Oh shit." he mumbled under his breath, not realizing that I could hear him. "Esme, hi, what are you doing back so soon?"

"I ran to the grocery store Adam. It takes twenty minutes tops."

"Whose this?" some drunk friend of his slurred.

"She's my mom, well...she's not really my mom, she's...my mom for the week, or whatever…I don't really know how long she's been here, or how…long she's staying." I didn't have to smell his breath to know he was drunk. His sentences came out in short spurts in between bursts of laughter.

"Oh," his friend replied, nodding his head, "I didn't understand any of that."

"Adam, this party is over." I said taking his cup out of his hand and dumping it down the drain, "Now."

"No way, this is epic. Do you know how…how many people are here? This will totally bring me up to like one thousand on the cool scale."

"Adam you are ending this party now or I will do it for you."

"You can't do anything you're not my--" before he could finish his sentence he threw up into the kitchen sink.

I let out an exasperated sigh as I left the room in search of a plug I could pull to end this party. They had made the living room into a makeshift dance floor by pushing all the furniture up against the walls. People were everywhere, the music was deafening and some girls were dancing on the table.

"Children, this party is over!" I tried to yell in vain over the music. A few people turned to look at but then went right back to dancing.

I slowly made my way across the floor taking cups out of kid's hands and telling them to leave. My destination was the middle of the room where the heart of the party was. I had to get those girls off the table before any more articles of clothing came off.

Oh my God, of course. Because I don't seem to have any luck tonight there was Ashley smack dab in the middle of table dancing around in her bra. Her father is going to kill me.

"Ashley! Ashley, get down from there right now."

"Hey Esme, wa's up?" I could've smelled the beer on her a mile away

"Your skirt is what's up now get down from there right now."

"But I'm havin' fun! Wooo!"

"Ashley, your father will kill you if he finds you standing on his table, drinking beer with no shirt on now get down now."

"Calm down Esme, he's never gonna find out."

"Ashley?" Of course, there stood Bob in the doorway of the living room, his mouth agape. "Ashley where is your shirt? Get down from that table right now you are not a dancer at some strip club." He lifted Ashley off the table and threw his jacket at her. He pulled the extension cord out of the wall, cutting the music and engulfing the room in darkness. He flicked on the lights and thundered, "This party is over. I want everyone out of my house now." Let me tell you I have never seen kids run so fast in my life. The room was cleared out within seconds.

Still red in the face he turned to face me. "Esme, I cannot believe you would let this happen."

"Bob, you're not seriously blaming me for this, are you?"

"Who should I blame then? Because when I left for work this morning I left two sober children and a clean house in your care."

"And you two," he turned to Adam and Ashley to continue his tirade, "I cannot believe that the two of you would be as stupid as to have a party…and with alcohol!"

"Dad, we didn't do anything wrong. Esme gave us permission." Adam said, pointing his finger at me.

"Yeah she said we could have a party with some friends." said Ashley as she leaned on Adam for support.

"Oh no I did not. I said you should have a few friends over."

"It implies a party."

"No it does not. If I would have allowed you to throw a party then I would have said you could throw a party."

"And that still doesn't excuse the alcohol."

"Oh come on--" Adam tried to argue.

"Enough. There is no use fighting over it. Adam, Ashley, what you did was wrong. You betrayed our trust and threw a party without our permission. I think you should go to bed now and think about what you have done. Your father can give you a punishment tomorrow."

"But--"

"You should be grateful that the cops didn't come. Then you would have something to complain about. Now go."

Bob stalked off to his office mumbling about lawsuits as the children stomped up the stairs mumbling about how unfair everything was.

As I stood in the living room with the remnants of a teen party around me I couldn't help but think: I can't wait to go home tomorrow.

**AN: Don't worry, even though the swap may be over there is still more to come! Thanks so much to everyone who reads this, I promise to update sooner. Please review and tell me what you think. I am always open to new ideas!**


	20. Different Goodbyes

**AN: Hey everyone I am not going to even try to tell you how sorry I am for the huge delay. My life has been crazy lately and it didn't leave much time for my poor Cullens. Sorry to give you a short chapter after such a long absence but I had a very hard time writing from the adult's perspectives so I just decided to scrap it and you'll see some of it later. For now, enjoy the long awaited chapter to Wife Swap: Cullen Vs Clyne.**

Cathy's POV

The limo will be here in fifteen minutes. Only fifteen more minutes of being in this nut house. Fifteen more minutes and I will never have to see the crazy Cullen family again. Fifteen more minutes-

"Emmett!" Until I never have to here that again. I'm hiding in my room yet I can still hear the argument going on upstairs.

"Emmett!" It sounds like Bella. "Give it to me now!"

"Emmett go down those stairs and you are a dead man!" Edward voice now joined in the yelling.

"Too late!" Emmett sing-songed before letting out a shriek shortly followed by thudding noises, which I am going to assume means they are tumbling down the stairs. I opened my door to find them sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs on top of each other.

"You can't just go around stealing people's underwear!" Edward yelled as he wrestled Emmett to retrieve a piece of fabric in his hand so small I would not classify it as underwear.

"Yet I just did." Emmett yelled, waving the underwear in the air. "Nice choice Bells, I like the color." Bella stood at the foot the stairs in an oversized shirt, probably from Edward since he was only wearing boxers, a mixture of anger and humiliation on her face.

A door slammed and out came Rosalie, "Emmett."

"Yeah babe?" Emmett answers a little frightened. It's no question who wears the pants in that relationship.

"Why the hell did you steal Bella's underwear?"

"Because it's fun to anger Edward." was his reason.

Rosalie walked over the Emmett, crouching down to his level. "Let go Emmett."

"But Rosie…fine." he conceded, handing it over to Rose.

"Rosalie, you have to learn to control your boyfriend."  
"Shut up Edward. Why don't you show some control and keep your girlfriend's panties on." she snapped back, throwing the underwear in Edward's face.

"It's time!" Alice yelled as she and Jasper emerged from their room.

Bella shrieked as she ran up the stairs, "I'm not dressed!"

Carlisle emerged from his office, almost stepping on Emmett's face. "For the love of God, children, could you pull yourselves together for just ten minutes."

"Emmett started it." Edward grumbled as he got up off the floor.

"Edward, not now please. Go put some pants on."

"Yeah Edward," Emmett scoffed, "God can't you pull yourself together?"

"Emmett just" Carlisle paused, "sit there and don't say anything. Cathy, are you all packed?" he asked, turning to me. Am I packed? Of course I'm packed. I've been packed since my first night with these devils. There's nothing I want more than to leave this hell hole.

"Yes Carlisle, I'm all set."

"Good. Children, downstairs. Now."

There was a stampede as the children hurried to do as their father ordered. They all lined up single file, as he went down the line commenting on each one's appearance.

"Rosalie, I'm sure you have a slightly more appropriate top in that room you call a closet. Emmett, I would have chosen a shirt without Edward's hair gel all over it. Jacob, glad to see you're wearing a shirt today."

"Carlisle I don't think there is any need to worry about my appearance. I am always a ten."

"It's not you I'm worried about Alice." As he finished everyone turned to look at Emmett.

"Why do you always assume I'm the problem?"

"Because you always are the problem."

"That is hurtful Edward." He said, dramatically placing his hand over his heart.

"Sometimes the truth hurts." Bella replied, copying his hand over heart movement.

"I wouldn't talk missy." Emmett shot back, "You're the one wearing sweatpants."

"Sweatpants are the only thing that fits me right now!" Bella cried, burying her head in Edward's chest.

"Emmett!" Everyone screamed simultaneously.

"You never call a pregnant person fat." Rosalie said, smacking Emmett over the head.

"And I didn't get to go shopping yet because someone," she shot daggers in my direction, "took away my credit cards. Don't worry Bella you'll be the most fashionably dressed pregnant person ever!" Alice shrieked, running to give Bella a hug.

"What about me? How do I look?" Renesmee asked, twirling in a circle for Carlisle.

"You look beautiful as always sweetheart." he gave her a kiss on the forehead and she skipped back into line.

"Now children, as you know I will be gone for the day to pick up Esme-Jasper, high five your brother and neither of you will see the light of day for weeks."

I turned around to find Emmett slowly lowering his hand from above Alice's head, disappointment written all over his face.

"As I was saying, I expect all of you to behave yourselves while I am gone and complete the list of tasks I have left. I don't want Esme to come home to a dirty house." Yeah, okay, in my two weeks here I haven't seen these children clean anything. They are not going to be able to pull this house together before she gets back.

"Don't worry Carlisle I've got this all under control."

"Actually Emmett, I'm leaving Edward in charge."

"What?" Emmett and Alice screamed at the same time.

"Carlisle," Alice pouted, "I can understand your not wanting to leave Emmett in charge but why did I get passed up for Edward."

"Maybe because I won't redecorate the house instead of cleaning it."

"You know what Edward, sometimes change is good."

"Alice," Carlisle said stepping between her and Edward, "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings; you are more than capable of being in charge. I just thought you would rather be out buying Bella knew clothes…with Daphne." He was good I had to give him that. But did he really have to give Alice everything she wanted.

Alice gasped and plucked the card out of Carlisle's fingers, "Daphne! I've missed you so much," she said, hugging the card to her chest, "Did the mean lady hurt you?" I just stood there shaking my head. This girl was kissing her credit card, that she only had to live without for a week, as if it was a person.

"Okay folks," the over enthusiastic producer said, walking out from behind the cameras, "that's all the time we have. We really need to head out to meet the others."

He didn't have to tell me twice. I said quick good byes to the children and jumped in the limo, Carlisle following after he gave a meaningful look to Edward who nodded in response. As the limo started winding down the expansive driveway, relief washed over me as I realized I would never have to step foot in that house again.

Esme's POV

The clock chimed eight as I finished packing my suitcase for the third time. I was so excited last night that I kept reorganizing my luggage to keep myself occupied. I couldn't wait to go home, to see Carlisle and the children again. The limo would be here in two hours and the kids still refused to come out of their rooms. The only noise I heard was Bob typing away on his computer.

Left with nothing else to do I placed my bags by the front door and pulled out one of the magazines Alice had packed for me. Having finished Vogue and InStyle, I was just about to move onto Elle when I heard Bob and the kids coming down the stairs.

"Esme, I hope you have enjoyed your time here."

"I have, thank you. It was very interesting to see how you live."

"Yes well, the children usually behave better than this. I am so sorry you had to see the Clynes not at their best."

"Apparently Mom is the one who keeps us together." Adam said.

"She'll be glad to hear it."

The limo honked from outside, signaling that it was time to go. I gave each of the children a hug, realizing that I would miss them and hoping they would miss me.

After what felt like the longest ride ever we had reached our destination. As soon as Carlisle was out of the car I ran to him, as fast as humanly possible, and jumped into his arms.

"I've missed you so much. How was everything? Are the children okay?"

"Well they're…themselves. But I think it will be good for everyone to have you back home. How was your family?"

"Fine. Did you know some children actually behave themselves?"

"I've heard that but have never had the experience. You better brace yourself because the kids didn't hold back." Carlisle whispered in my ear as we made our way into the room.

I just shook my head, not sure if I wanted to know what had happened while I was gone.

**AN: I hope you enjoyed the chapter and I am really going to try to get the next chapter out in a reasonable amount of time. Please review and tell me what you think. Sadly, this tale is almost over but there are still a few more chapters to go so suggestions are always welcome! Thanks for reading and staying with me during this difficult time. :)**


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